A "ya" will do.
In the morning, I realised that I had received a message yesterday night from one of my friends' father, he told me that he wants my friend to quit studying and asked me if I want to join her as his daughter wants to be a 'ahlian'. I thought I did something wrong, but I replied" I think your daughter wants to continue studying, I want too and so on. It's like he really scared me out of wits, I thought I did something and I told my mom. She said that maybe my friend provoked him or something.

No matter what, I will persevere and do my best. I don't want to let others down.

Few days ago, when everyone was still sleeping in the morning, the phone rang so I thought that I should get up and answer it. My younger brother's friend called. I didn't know that she was my brother's friend, I thought she was my friend, so I just answered "ya" all the way. Then, she said"are you shane?" I said"HUH?" That sentence woke me up, so I said please hold on. I stopped myself and remembered that my brother was still sleeping. So, I counted 1 to 10 before I went back to the phone again.

Came true
After coming back from all the walking, when I arrived at home, Great news awaited me, I felt so happy like I have never felt like that before. It's really so unbelievable, and I hope to have another chance again. I won't tell you what it is, and no matter how curious you are, please don't ask me. I went into my mom's room, and I started jumping because I was overjoyed and I said"yes!" several times. I was really overwhelmed with joy that I forgot my sadness.

I went to buy the books today, when I was in the car, heading to my school, my mom started crossing out the items which she doesn't want to purchase. She asked me"what is this and that." In fact, I don't even know some of the items. And then I said"do you think I am a genius?" Then, she said"why you don't know? Why she knows?" I was wondering who she was talking about, so I asked her.She said that I said Jillian knows.I paused for seconds before I understand her, she had mistaken me for saying that Jillian knows, when I said genius. She said"school socks are so expensive, one pair 10.80." I said"it's four pairs per pack." I was too angry till I laughed. I was quite happy today although there are some disagreements.

Not the way.
I am still unable to complete revising my chinese. I am still revising on chinese 1A, I haven't even started on other subjects. I took so much time! Yeah, I have to admit that I didn't revise everyday. I just hope that my parents will scold me and tell me to revise, but they didn't. Maybe if they scold, I will be able to revise at a faster pace. Now? I am scolding myself. I told them that I want tuition, my mom said"you study at home, don't waste my money!" In the past, they forced me to go for that, now I willingly volunteered to go, and they told me to revise by myself. Although I might be going too slow now, and there might not be much time for me to revise everything. But I still hope that I could cover at least 3/4 of the work.

I should be going to buy the books tomorrow. Quite happy. I can't give up on my revision! No..! Need some music and perhaps sweets? Realised that my mom actually cares for me, the more I shouldn't make her upset. I must do my best.

Promise made
I was feeling bored, so I went into friendster to pass my time. I recalled the promise I made to Jacie long time ago, which is to look at her friendster profile's photos. I can't believe that I am a person who breaks my promise, I took such a long time before I went to view her profile, a mistake again. The photo which I took with her is still there, that shows that she doesn't hate me. To think that I had actually left her out, didn't talk to her at the school party. I was so damn heartless, and so mean. The last time she called me was about weeks ago, and I ended the call after five minutes. I didn't deliberately did that, I wanted to watch televeision. I looked at her individual photo for seconds, and I felt so guilty. I was so wrong to only remember her weaknesses but not her good points, I forgot her feelings! She treated me to her sweets, accompany me after school yet I was so cold towards her. She asked me why I didn't talk to her at the party, I said"really? I did talk to you." What a stupid excuse I gave her! And I was so mean. Everyone kind of shunned her, I used past tense as I do not know if they still feel that way. But I didn't, although I was mean to her. They kind of talked behind her back, criticised her saying that she looks like.. And I totally disagree, sorry if this is offensive or something. If you were the one who is being criticised, how would you feel? If I were the one, I would just cry, and then maybe bang my head. And I always lost my temper, because it's either she didn't understand me or I didn't. The thing about switching best friends, and the school party were the most cruel ones. I thought that she would be the one with me for this year at the beginning of the year, but I was wrong.You didn't know how many things took place, and eventually landed us in this state with different partners, and unexpected changes with more problems ahead everyday. Tired of that, been struggling for the past months, so I am quite relieved that it's holidays now.

An awkward feeling.
I did too much thinking, and the fact is that it's not my fault. I feel so relieved now, and happy of course. Jasmine, I really thought that it was me, feeling quite awkward now. And you are right, I shouldn't use vulgarities, it's time I make a change, it's really inappropriate for me to do that again.

In her post, she mentioned that she won't add on to my misery, since I am already frustrated. Actually she wasn't wrong in any way, problems are inevitable, they just come unexpectedly. No matter how hard you try to comfort yourself, the sadness and hurt are still there. I can understand that, so this is the point of time you need friends.But when friends are not there, the only thing you could do is to post it into your blog to relieve yourself. She isn't an obstruction. So, I shouldn't blame her if she comes to me to tell her problems, as that isn't her fault.Who wants problems anyway? I don't want it either.

I can't be ro rude and ignorant anymore. Maybe whenever I talk back with my mom, her heart is shattering inside. I should reflect on my own laziness and rudeness which cause the criticism from her.

My younger brother loves punching me, especially my arm. Today, he punched my upper arm and I felt this pain and then followed by the numb semsation. It sure hurts, not emotionally. I thought my arm was breaking, I tried giving him a punch in return but I missed.

Did I make mistakes again?
I read her latest post today. Did I make mistakes again? She wrote that she cried after using the computer yesterday. Before she logout, I was the one who chatted with her in msn. I am the culprit! The person who made her cry..I think. Sigh.. If that's the case, I have to thank myself for worsening everything. I seem to be always so stupid. It's all my fault, maybe I let her feel that I was irritated by her. It's not like that..it's really not. She mentioned that it's like 360 degrees change. The problem is that I don't even know what to say to her on the phone. I shouldn't have chatted with her yesterday in msn, I should have known better. What should I do now? I thought holidays might be better for me since I was stressed up during school days.But it doesn't seem to be better. I didn't know that things could happen during holidays too. Sorry.. I didn't mean it. Guilty of everything now, if I were the one who made her cry.. what should I do? I think it's because whenever she calls me, I will have something on and ends the calls, maybe when I was speaking to her, my tone was different from the one on school days. How could I?! I am really insensitive to my friend's feelings.

Today, my mom scolded me for being lazy, for not folding the clothes on the bed. She was in the room with my younger brother and me. And my younger brother and me started quarrelling again, she said"stop it!" But my brother turned a deaf ear to what she said, and he continued quarrelling with me. I said" lalala, keep quiet!" Then my mom shouted at me"GET OUT OF THE ROOM, GET OUT NOW!" I was really upset, because I wasn't the one who wanted to continue with the quarrelling. But I just said"okay, bye bye." Then I went into another room, and I heard her complaining about me to my brother, she deliberately said" THAT LAZY GIRL, SHE IS A GIRL AND YET SHE IS SO LAZY!" I told her to stop talking about me and told her that if she still wants to talk about me, she should not speak so loudly. And she still did that to me. It doesn't occur to her how much that hurts me, she is always like that, criticising me. But she has no idea how much tears I have been swallowing. She criticised me using hurtful words, and I can remember all of them till now although it has already been one to two years.

One of them included singing. So, whenever I want to sing, I will wait till all of them are not at home or when they are in another room, before I start on my singing. I am really hurt by this, she said that my singing is bad. So, I just cry to myself in a room, I fear to receive another criticism from her again as it hurts me badly. I am emotionally hurt, as she is my mom yet instead of encouraging me, she criticised me. She always talks about my bad points, not my good points. I tried my best in my studies to get her praises, to make her happy.But she told me not to be too proud, otherwise I won't do well. The encouragement which she gave me was" study harder, maintain the results, don't be proud." I just want to get her praises, the results are not to show off to others. She forgets it the next day , almost totally.

Gaps
This holiday is bringing me both happiness and unhappiness. I don't know why, there seems to be a gap between my friend and me now. I don't understand her, her post talks about sadness, friends seem to be avoiding her, no one wants to go out with her, they will just make excuses to end the call with her and so on. I am not offended by what she posted. But I thought that I should maybe ask her what happened. I asked her in msn if I did avoid her, she said no. She asked me what I am always busy about at home and that I am always busy. I asked her" no one wants to go out with you?" She said ya. So, I asked her why but she said nothing. I asked her if she was referring to me in her post, she said no. I said"what is wrong?I want to know, tell me."She still replied nothing, I told her that it's okay.But she said it's really nothing. Maybe she really wasn't referring to me, but I want her to understand that it's okay to voice out her unhappiness about me to me. Maybe she will say that there is no chance for her to tell me since I am always busy, she can tell me via sms or msn. When she calls me, it so happened that I have a programme to watch, so I have to end the call. And frankly speaking, I don't know what to say either. If she is indeed mad at me about something, she should tell me and not hide it. I am not one who can read someone's mind.

And yeah, about the library book thingy, that day when I went out with Ally and Jillian, I met up with Ally at Queenstown library, of course the first thought which would came to mind would be"bring the book along so that you could return it." It was due to convenience, maybe I was abit inconsiderate on that area, for not telling you that I would be going to the libarary to return the book, but it's at queenstown and it's only for a short while as we had to move on to tiong bahru. It wasn't intentional. I don't know, I am just listing the possibilities and explaining it now.

Realised that in life, problems are challenges and fears which we should overcome. The thing about red packets, finally, I understand a point, since I am not close to my relatives, of course I won't have anything from them. Each year, my brothers and I receive $20 each, for others, each year, they will receive about $100, after five years, I will have about $100 but others will have $500. It's better to depend on myself, I thought. Since, it's the same every year, I have to overcome the sadness, disappointment.Yeah, so that's it.

Wonderful yesterday
I had a wonderful day yesterday. Met up with Jillian and Ally, haha, I felt as though we were back to the past. We were finally so close again, we went to catch a movie, casino royale. We wanted to watch Final call, but it is NC 16, so we ended up watching this. Jillian and Ally were so funny, like they were at loggerheads, bickering and bickering. I find that really enjoyable? It made me laughed alot, and brightened up my day. We were back so close, so happy, just that we have grown taller a bit. Really BFF! (:

Haha, no mood to revise anymore. I am getting lazier.Hmm.. I guess that's okay. Ally sprinkled some holy water on me, telling me to wake up after I told Jillian and her something. They kinda gave me advices and persuaded me to wake up. Yeah, they're right, I should wake up. Thanks to them, really. The night before yesterday, I quarrelled with my mom, and she shouted at me, I too did that. I said"chicken backside asshole." Sigh, regretted that now. I admit that I was rude, after I said that, she hit me, and then I said" good, continue lar!" She used a pillow to hit me several times, sigh. She was right to hit me, I was wrong to scold her, I really understand. Really sorry. I found out something, my friend said the chinese version. XD Planning to earn my money and I will give some of it to my mom and dad. For my mom, perhaps I will write a note in addition, maybe I would write" sorry for making you angry at times." I don't know how to apologise to her face to face, I have so much to tell her but I don't know how I should say them, I want to tell her badly how great she is, how fortunate I feel, how much I love her. Sigh.. Better don't say anything.

Gee whiz.
I read my horoscope, virgo. I just want to know if things written about myself are right. I know that it is quite silly to read horoscopes. Hey, it's quite true when it comes to the paragraph which mentioned about character. I am fussy and all that, good points and bad points inside. Lol, felt pretty sad when I read about my own weaknesses. I must change! Firstly, when I am angry, I can't say something nasty. Secondly, I can't be too fussy. Thirdly, I must learn how to somehow communicate with one. Fourth, I must know when to spend money and when not to. Fifth, I have to learn how to stop daydreaming about things which are unreal. And alot more. I can't stand myself at times too. I have stopped being irritating towards my friends, in the past, I was really irritating, now chatting with them only when necessary. I just hope they will have a better impression of me, haha. And help them whenever possible. Since I have changed my irritating behaviour, or at least a little bit, now it's time to look at other areas.

I still can't sit down and study! Really upset with myself. I forgot everything about studies. If I still don't study, I think I have to bear the consequences of being a blur queen in sec one work. I really want to get better concepts and better understanding. But, this brain of mine isn't really listening to me. Maybe it needs more motivation by myself.

Fun, fun!
I am back from the chalet. On the first night, we had barbeque, Jasmine was a great host. She helped me with the food, and I ate quite alot, I guess. Jasmine kept adding food onto my plastic plate, and I had to struggle to finish up everything. After that, we returned to our chalet, and we started talking nonsense. She had a soft toy-Lu, and then she said"let's unbotton his shirt." We started laughing like mad girls. She really tried to unbotton it, but realised that it was impossible. That was when we had some dirty thoughts, not really dirty. We chatted and laughed for almost one hour plus. And then when it was time to sleep, we shared a bed, we just kept laughing non-stop on the bed. And the bed shook, making the noises. Her Uncle slept on another bed beside me, and her mom slept on a bed beside her. Not long after, they fell asleep except Jasmine and me. We were still laughing, and then we heard snorings from both sides. Not just that, we were freezing because the air-conditioner was too cold. Although we did have blankets, but it was of no use. The blankets have holes, I mean that was their design.

The next day, her uncle brought us to the swimming pool for a swim, actually, I didn't really swam, I was playing in the water since my swimming skills are lousy. After that, we returned to the chalet to have a bath, we had a light lunch and rested for a while before we went to wild wild wet. We tried everything there, I had the scariest experience while playing the U-shaped thingy.At first, I didn't feel anything, but when the thing which her uncle and me were sitting on started to move down, I started screaming. And yeah, we tried others too. We were there for quite sometime, before we returned to the chalet to have another bath. And then we went out for dinner, no appetite as I was too tired.But, I managed to force myself to swallow the food. On that night, we had an early night.

The next day, her mom told me that she was so scared when she saw me sleeping. Do you know why? I slept with my face facing the ceiling, and my arms by my side.It was like I slept pretty straight, and not all people can do that. Actually, I was supposed to hug my bolster and two small pillows but I didn't have the pillows on that night. Only one to rest my head on. Then, we went to mcdonald's to have our breakfast, I was so full on that morning. When it was twelve pm, we checked out. I enjoyed myself during the chalet, quite sad when we had to go home.

Greed.
Well, went out today with Jasmine to Tiong Bahru. We went to watch a movie, the lady selling those popcorns and drinks told us tt we should buy combo which consists of popcorn and a cup of drink. And she said that it is more worth it than buying separately, it's still seven dollars.So, we decided to buy the combo since it has more popcorns. After that, we have to enter theatre four, Jasmine said" where is it?" And I am also another blur one. She forgot the way as she had not been there for sometime. And I almost entered the cinema without giving the tickets when Jasmine reminded me. When we entered, the movie had already started, we went searching for our seats in the dark. And when we settled down, I looked around me, and found out that there were only a few people, they were sitting behind us. We munched on our popcorns, and then we realised that it was too much. we struggled to finish it, and then I gave up halfway but Jasmine said" eat, eat,eat! come on!" I passed it to her and she passed it back to me.We kept laughing, but not very loud. She dropped lots of popcorns on the floor too, I couldn't imagine that. She said everytime she visits the cinema, she will leave some popcorns behind. After a while, I signaled for her to stop munching on her popcorns as I realised that we were the only ones munching on them.Then I told her, she too listened, and laughed.

I read one of my friends' blog today, there were motivating words in it, he said that he would be striving hard to achieve a award, I think. That is really possible, he said that it matters how much hard work is put in. Yeah, that is right. After reading it, I felt motivated too.And decided that I really have to sit down and study. It was a very motivating post, I mean he himself is motivated.But his post motivated me indirectly. I love reading my friends' blogs, so that I could understand them better.

Break it.=)
I miss all my schoolmates. Wonder how they all are now? If sec ones can continue attending lessons till 17 November, I wouldn't be so bored now. How I wish..

On the day of the exhibition, I was on the bus, ready to head to suntec city, when I saw his friends and him walking towards the canteen, okay..and I shouted" I saw him! I saw him!" I admit tt I was too excited, and everyone on the bus turned to look at me.So embarrassing. He was wearing his PE shirt, talking to his friends. That was the last time I had a glance of him. Well..

My brothers don't have school tomorrow, so I guess I wouldn't be able to use the computer during tomorrow morning, afternoon and evening. Well, it's quite sad. Hopefully, I could use it at night. And I don't like it when they don't have school as I would have to clean the dog's poop since no one wakes up at 5.30am to feed the dog and clean it.So, if I'm the first to step into the dining room, then I would be the first to do everything. And I realise that they have great patience, they could sit in this room, with one using the computer, another one sitting behind. Once, I had woken up, and I decided to wait in my bedroom to see who will be the first to do everything, I waited and waited, till I couldn't stand it.

Wants..
Yesterday, I was kind of touched by what my younger brother did. He helped me played GBWC and won in lots of matches, I was not at all surprised when he won, as he is very good in games since he plays games everyday. Well for me, not good at all. And he cooked noodles, so I asked him to give me some, and he did, he even gave me some of his soup. Yeah, grateful and touched. Lol, for me, it's good enough as we don't really get along well, we go through quarrels everyday. So yup, happy.

I have decided to revise as soon as possible, maybe I would start revising from my secondary one work to two so that I could get better concepts and perhaps improve on some disappointing grades. From the last day of school, I had planned to revise, but I didn't touch on anything yet, no movements at all. I can't be playing all day long right? Anyway, nothing to play. I just want to do my best for everything, definitely not for any postition or anything! Yeah, didn't want to disappoint anyone, and wants to work hard to achieve better results in the end so that I could share my happiness with my friends, and not sadness with them. But I am not able to sit down and study now. I guess I need to force myself to get use to it again.

Should have..
Hoping tt I would have lots of books to read during this holiday, I simply love it!

This holiday is real bored. I have no friends living near me, and I don't know my neighbours, not even one of them. Their kids didn't befriend us, and my brothers and I didn't even bother to befriend them. I have no one to play with, even if I go to the nearby park, who can I play with except my brothers? Hope that I can move soon, nearer to my friends. Having relatives are like not having relatives, I don't feel anything about them.

My mum's birthday is arriving soon, I asked her what she wants, but she shook her head and told me to just make her a card. I always make her a card every year. Hope that I would be able to give her something better in future, haha. She didn't nag or scold me for my results, maybe she is satisfied? But I know she wants better results. Lucky for me, this year no nagging for my examinations, but not for my brothers, lol. Hope that I could give her something every year using my efforts and not money. I guess she wants that too.