`[[anywaez]]`

I'm 18!

2011-08-28T17:20:00.002+08:00

Aw, I'm finally 18 now. ):

Am I really not 17 already?

Last time I used to look forward to celebrating birthdays but in recent years, there's this lack of excitement and enthusiasm, I just can't believe that I have reached the legal age.

All of us used to say we wanna grow up soon, and now that we have done that, we realised we don't really meant what we said. Instead we wish we never have to grow up.

Who'd have expected the long way we have to travel and the amount of effort we have to put in to become what we are today. How did we manage to live through so many previous years and finally be here today.

I think it's been so long that our parents have been taking care of us;all the way from the day we were born till today. It's time we do more for them, more than just caring and sharing.

Omg it's holidaysssssss now! after such a long time!! yayyy! But I feel more lethargic. Maybe going to work, must meet up with friends and get alot of rest! :D

naiaygik.

Seize every opportunity

2011-08-07T13:46:00.004+08:00

I just realised I may have a passion for community services?:D hahah, well it's too early to say now. I think I need time to figure out what I really want before deciding on anything.

We need not be trained in doing community services as they can be done in our everyday lives.

I can't believe that it's right in front of me all along and yet I took such a long time before understanding it.

Way too important and special, probably priceless. So much so that I'd rather things remain in this way than letting changes take place as there may be no turning back.

Insight into innocence

2011-07-03T12:38:00.005+08:00

My blog is super dead and somehow when my other friends ask me whether I have a blog, I've no

intention of telling them about it.

I haven't gone for squash in a long long time, and I've checked my NPAL but they haven't given me my 2 cca points. I plan to contact the person in charge and obtain what is rightfully mine.lol.

I joined Mentoring cca weeks ago and this is my third or fourth week. It's on every Sat, 9.10am must meet at Toa Payoh Interchange and we'll bus to Whampoa. So basically we spend time with the kids from needy families. This week, Jasmine, Weilin and me were put in charge of the warm up activity. So we came up with London Bridge is falling down and Hokey Pokey on Fri night. I viewed the videos on Youtube and realised how far I have came, because the videos brought back so many of my childhood memories. I was just sitting in front of my laptop and smiling, like a kid again. Happiness can be so sweet and simple. Sometimes I really wish we can go back to those times.

But yesterday there was this small lil kid who came to the centre and one person-in-charge said she needed one of us to be with the kid and she pointed at me. Yeah so I was the one and I couldn't help out with the warmup activity. I have never seen this kid before during the previous sessions and he has some special needs. This is the first time I'm working with him so naturally I was kinda nervous. He could understand what I was saying but I have problems understanding him and I also had to tell him to wipe his mouth with tissue papers from time to time because he tends to drool. So my hand was also covered with some saliva. The lady in charge also told me that I need to engage more with him and make him feel comfortable with me. I totally had no idea how I was supposed to do that and I felt really lost because I was alone with him. I tried to play games and toys with him, that somehow worked (': and he chose the games by himself. It can be quite tedious because many a times, he have already taken out everything from the game box and decided that he didn't like it. So I told him, okay we choose another game but we must keep this first. He understood me and obediently kept everything nicely away. Like what I had said, I have problems communicating with him but after about an hour or so, I managed to understand a lil.

There was once when he played with lego, so I picked out some and gave them to him but he pushed them back to me and said you play, you play. Hhahahah, he's so adorable^^ Throughout the session with him, we were in close contact and I held his hands for a few times. I feel like I've completed an important mission but I have to continue working on engaging more effectively with him and understanding him. (:

When the kids were to be dismissed, he said he don't wanna go home and that he wants to go home with me. Heheh at that moment I felt like I was a big sister to him. When he was about to leave, he passed me a packet of oreo and told me to open it for him and he then pointed to his mouth. So I fed him the oreos. For once, I feel that I'm able to show so much love to him with simple gestures. After that, he went home with his brother and I was watching them walk away from behind their back. He turned a few times and waved to me and even blew me a kiss. Hahahha. But I'm not sure if he will remember me the next time he comes again.

After the session, I was exhausted but really happy. The sense of satisfaction is overwhelming.

I don't know why, but it always stops halfway and I'm wondering if we think alike.

Wait

2011-03-24T14:31:00.002+08:00

Hellooooo everyone!!!

I'm finally updating my blog, I bet few or no one remembers this blog hahahah.
Okay anyway, I've so much to say but I don't know where to start and where to stop.
So I think I'll just summarize it. Well, I just wanna say that photos remain the same but the people in them change (I forgot where I read this from but it's totally true, you should think about it).

I always find that time flies really quickly, with so much things changing. Whenever we look back/reminisce, we'd always realise that we've lost something and of course gain something in return. Okay I think that's life and we've to accept it, the only three words to tell myself is: "Those good times."
Nowadays even my mom tells me that.

Phew, it's finally holidays, I'm pretty happy cuz now I'm leading a carefree life, unlike days when I've to drag my feet to school and then come back home to complete all those projects and assignments. Now I've more time to spend with my pet dog, my family and some of my friends.
Suet ting is at vietnam now and will be back in a few weeks' time. All of us miss her so much really.

I've been idling all day long, but it's definitely better than anything else. (:

I believe

2010-11-13T23:33:00.004+08:00

Many events came and went. But they left such lasting impressions. Hahahhaah, I think that's how memories are formed.

Hmmm, I haven't been blogging for sucha long time and I think I'll update only once in a while. Yes, random posts on random stuff. (: When I return to this blog to read all these posts in future, maybe 10 or more years down the road, I will be able to recall everything vividly, hopefully.

Weeeeeee, mom's birthday is coming soon! Can't wait to celebrate and eat the cake, lol :D. But again, back to one of the earlier posts, I finally realise the significance of birthdays.

Different views

2010-09-22T12:56:00.002+08:00

Hey everyone!

I've never thought that I'd go for a camp again, but I did! This time it was Leo fusion camp, from 13th to 15th September. Before that, I was hesitating on whether to go or not, even after I've paid the camp fee. This is an example of how indecisive I can be, hahah.

Hmm, there we were separated into groups and obviously I was in a group where I didn't know anyone. So I was totally quiet and shy. I didn't speak much. The Gls kept encouraging me to speak more and I really tried.

But on the second day and onwards, as I became more comfortable around them, I began to speak up more and I believe they were able to see this slight improvement.

In fact, it was only on the last day of camp, I then realised that I enjoyed myself and had so much fun with them.

I won't go into details of the games and activities which took place.

Not forming first impressions, not judging someone based on what others say, but getting to know that person personally to really understand.

Demoralised.

2010-07-29T17:51:00.002+08:00

Weeeee, after so many months of hard work, today was the final presentation for ITB. (:
It didn't go exactly well, we were rushing to prepare the powerpoint slides, blog, facebook, twitter and so on. So I was kinda lost, I didn't really know what I was supposed to present.

Even when other groups have already started presenting in class, I was still writing my script and wondering whether those were what I should present. But anyway, I still went ahead to present with my group.

When we were standing right in front of the class, I was asked to elaborate on another part, besides the ones which I was told earlier. So naturally I was completely stunned and really lost as I was not prepared to do so.

Unfortunately, everything around you still goes on even when you are at your wits end or when you're feeling helpless as to what to do. When it was my turn to present on the part which I was very unsure about, I started off with a lil bit of courage. I was able to elaborate a lil until I really couldn't continue with that sentence. I just stood there, repeated the last few words which I've said for many many times. I cracked my brain to think of something constructive to say on the spot, but it just wouldn't work. Finally, after long awkward moments, I just blurted out a few more words just to end that sentence.

It makes me feel extremely sad as I feel as though all my efforts for the past few months have gone down the drain. I became so moody and demoralised. This was the final presentation for ITB, I wished I could have ended this with a much happier scenario, but no. It didn't come true, instead things turned out to be pretty bad for me.

Phew, but I'm feeling so much better now, after all those deep thoughts within me when I was on my way home.

Hopefully I can do better next time, at least I learnt a lesson today.

Lastly, I haven't failed, I've just found 10 000 ways that won't work. (:

Life through my eyes

2010-05-23T18:29:00.002+08:00

Hello people, I'm back, after such a long time.(: If you're wondering why, I've to say that I have no idea either.

Well, I doubt anyone will be reading my blog now, since my blog has been inactive for about one and a half year. Haha, but it's okay. So I won't be notifying my friends that I've just posted something today. But if you happened to read this, please feel free to tag. :D I don't mind, so long as it's something positive. Haha.

Yup, I'm having mixed feelings about my life. I don't know why, is this normal? I always think about my past, and I can't help but to ask myself why so much has changed. Of course, I do understand that life is full of changes and it can never remain the same. But somehow I wish that life is half fantasy and half reality, so that it won't be like how it is right now. Don't get me wrong, I do love my current life, everything which I have. It's just that I want to relive my past,together with the present. Does that make sense?

I just feel a sense of sadness and emptiness within me. I realised that so many things have changed. In the past, my dad used to drive me to and fro school, so I had lots of chances to speak to him, whenever I like to. Now, I go to school and back home by myself, staring out of the windows, with my mind blank. In a way, it's something good as I am independent. However, now that life is like this, I can't be like before, I can't speak to my dad like before. Although my dad still fetches me after my cca once or twice a week,I'm so afraid that I'll get used to this and eventually I won't even bother to speak to him like how I did in the past again.

It was my dad's birthday on May 17. It so happened that I've to go for squash on that day, 6pm till 8pm. For many nights before that day, I felt so upset. Every night before I went to sleep, I would think about it. Whenever I did this, I would be reminded of how much effort I would put in to make my dad a birthday card during my childhood and how much time I would spend with him on this special day every year. But for these few years, the feeling was entirely different, it was not of anticipation of watching my dad blow the candles, instead it was of an inch of sadness which I believe would not go away. I guess this is because I finally understood the meaning of celebrating birthdays every year, people are ageing and they are moving ahead in life, leaving the present behind. In the end, the night before my dad's birthday, I asked my mum whether I can skip squash, so that I can go home earlier. Yay and I really did, haha.I also realised that time flies extremely fast on these special days and I really dislike this. It doesn't just apply to my dad, it also applies to all my loved ones.

At times, I will observe everyone around me, to try to come to terms with all these changes. I will look at my siblings and acknowledge the fact that we're really changing. In the past, we used to quarrel over the slightest matter, over a computer and etc. Now, my older brother owns a laptop, my younger brother owns a desktop and I own a laptop. There's no reason we should ever fight among ourselves again. I will look at my parents, I can see strands of white hair on their heads. This pains me as I don't want them to grow old so soon.

Recently, I read my friends' blogs, I'm just curious about their lives. I read a post which is on her family going out together to celebrate her grandma's birthday. I find that so sweet, really. But again, I suddenly feel so emotional, probably because I have not seen my grandma for ages, perhaps years? She lives in Malaysia and we can't really find time to visit her. Yes, so it also means that we haven't been spending alot of time with her too, I wonder how she's coping? She'd always tell us to go back whenever she's on the phone with us. But I know that we won't be going back any time soon, at the same time, I can't bear to say no. So, I'd always reassure her that we'd definitely do so. I can't believe that I'm one who breaks promises, I have been saying that for years, but I've never made it come true.):

Life through my eyes, should I be happy, sad or have mixed feelings about it?

Doesn't matter.

2008-10-20T20:10:00.002+08:00

Okay, got back all the papers(: Not well done.
But.. nevermind, it just means that I have to work harder, that's all.

Hmmm... today stayed back with Amanda, Meishan,Janelle, Hpone and Zhixiong to help out Mrs Tan and the rest. Actually didn't do much, I only remember choosing the nicer small little trees and packing stuff.

Have to go back to school the day after tomorrow for Samfest. Oh man.. I think I have to practise the small para of words that I need to say.I tend to get frightened and nervous.

I wonder if anyone realises that I forgot to change my age to 15. :O

Happy Birthday to myself!

2008-08-29T20:20:00.003+08:00

26 August is a special day!

Although this year on this particular day, I have English oral, History Test and Chemistry Test, I really love this day!

Class 3C sang English and Chinese versions of the birthday song to me, I'm very touched and happy. (: Thanks friends! All of you rock man!

And thanks to my close friends for the presents and the pleasant surprise, I appreciate it.:D

It was this day that truly moved me T.T

Happy Birthday Michelle! Your birthday's today.

Happy birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to Michelle
Happy Birthday to you!

:D Thanks to all of you for everything that was done for me!
Haha.

I made two cards, one for Miss Phang and another one for Mr Wong.
Hmm, actually I think that the cards I made are quite nice^^

Oh yes, and today we gave Miss Phang a surprise. She looked so pleased and was smiling.
Happy Teachers' Day!

A long week

2008-08-01T18:00:00.002+08:00

Yay! It's friday again! :P

Realised that I have monday blues, sighs.
Had so many tests, but they are all in history now. On wednesday, we had PE and we have to do the shuttle run.): I couldn't run very fast, that's a fact but I will BE able to run faster in future.

Lol, today afternoon stayed back to do the English journal at cafe with Michelle, while Candice they all doing their duties. Had so much fun! We were chatting when Mrs Tan interrupted us, she asked us why the yec room is not locked and told us to lock it before she walked away. Then Veron did as she was told and went to lock the door. I couldn't believe it, she actually locked Mrs Tan in the room and she didn't know until Mrs Tan managed to get out of the room and came to ask Veron"why did you lock me up?" Haha! ;D

Learnt how to defend myself. Thanks to Amanda!(:

Gaining something out of a failure

2008-07-27T16:06:00.003+08:00

Initially didn't want to post about this, but eventually decided to as it is indeed an invaluable experience.

Yesterday went to SP for YES. And our group, Team 1, was the first to present in Panel F. Everything went on smoothly for us(: We were so relieved that we managed to present our idea to the judges.

Then, waited quite long before the results were out. I was praying so hard that we would be one of the semi finalists.

Utterly disappointed, of course I don't mean that the product that we created is so good. But it is really a little hard on us, when our group name was left out of the semi finalists. I was asking myself"that means we won't be able to go on the second round?" The product which we have spent weeks preparing, and the efforts we have put in for this day, the hopes were shattered in just a few minutes. And I was like forcing myself to accept this fact that we have lost our chance in this competition, and have disappointed the teachers who have supported and guided us all along.

The whole group together with Team 2, stayed back after that to watch the semi finalists' presentations. I was so keen to find out what exactly did the winning group in our panel invented. I was finally convinced that they are real good, theirs is a life vest, ours is a teaching tool. If you were to choose between the two, will you take our teaching tool?It is a good learning experience, we like our product, but it does not mean that the judges will accept it and this also tells us that the competitive level is high.

Felt a little better after watching their presentation, our product is good, but theirs serves an even important purpose. I thought I was okay, I was still able to smile but honestly I was loss for words. Didn't have so much things to say like usual, just kept quiet, Suet ting and Jasmine too. I think Yi Hui and zilin were able to take things in stride better. I dragged my feet all the way from SP to the mrt, and without bidding goodbye to everyone, walked off. Sulked when I was in the mrt train, I was so looking forward to this competition, and now.. we did not manage to present our product as one of the semi finalists.

When I was at Jurong East, Suet Ting called me to inform me that Miss Goh wanted to give us a treat. Then I changed to the previous track again.

How should I express my sadness and disappointment over this? But I know that there are no guarantees in competitions, and am sure that I did not regret going for this competition.

Despite the elimination, I still believe that the product is an achievement, one that we will not forget. The experience, an invaluable one. Most importantly, the learning process.

We have done our best, and have to accept this fact.
There will be another chance for us.

Kids!

2008-07-20T17:10:00.002+08:00

That day, almost the whole class went to childcare centre! ;D

Amanda said" I think the kids won't like you, because you have slow reactions!"
Fortunately, I managed to mix with them, haha. Played games with them, talk to them..
I saw how much the kids enjoy themselves, they are themselves, no one should ever change that.
Lots of things will take place from tomorrow onwards, I must motivate myself.
Yesterday, I was so happy! The first time I felt that everything was worth it afterall.(:
For every single thing, the efforts put in will be paid off.
Read the whole book that meishan lent me):

Btw, realised that I get flustered easily. I must change! I have to, for the reason I am here now is to enjoy my life.
And I will try not to make funny sounds during lessons again=x

Things are different.

2008-06-28T17:15:00.002+08:00

Realised that what I see in my everyday life is not always true.
I thought everyone looks like how he or she feels inside. It saddens me when I happened to find out that this is false.

I wonder why, all these triggered me to think of all the sad things.. although I'm contented with what I have now, and also with myself.
Do most of the teenagers face what I found out or is it just a minority?
I don't understand, what is wrong with all of us.
How on earth will I be able to feel happy when people in this world are not? I mean it's meaningless. I can't help but think of the sad memories.. I have to get over this. The world is deceitful, maybe it will change for the better.

The only thing I can do is to be contented, always.

Nice

2008-05-31T18:43:00.002+08:00

Yesterday went out with Michelle and Jacie to celebrate Zilin's birthday! We ate at KFC, and continued our "long" walk around orchard, Tampines and Bugis which lasted for at least 6 or 7 hours. XD My legs were having a bad time, sigh. Took some photos(:

Michelle suggested taking this photo=D

Michelle and me^^ The two rabbits in the centre
Birthday girl and me:D
Took neoprints, bought a drink and ate lunch. That's all!(:

Work hard but relax

2008-05-24T16:06:00.004+08:00

Yesterday got back my report book.=D Position 13, L1R4: 15, L1R5: 19

I have to thank Miss Phang for encouraging me throughout the parents' meeting session(:
She told me that to her, it is not the position that matters but the work hard that she see her students put in and for the attempts made by her students.

I completely agree with what she said, about the position that doesn't matter. I didn't know what to say when Miss phang and my mom kept on encouraging me on.. I put on a smile, deep inside, I was extremely touched. They said that I could do better without stress, and told me to work hard but relax.
They also said that it hurts them to see me trying so hard all along. It hurts me to hear them say that too, I felt bad about making them feel hurt): Michelle, now you know why I sounded so sad when we were on the phone yesterday.

Honestly, I feel fortunate to be in this class 3C.
My new aim is to compete with my current results, work hard but relax(:
Same to you guys too:P

I am satisfied but believe that I can do better than this. So the conclusion is that I will live with this belief, heh.

Okayy, I wanted to post pictures taken the day before yesterday too. But couldn't get the pictures from Michelle, nevermind lo. I just want to say, Michelle, Jacie, Zilin and class 3C, I had a great day. :D
Thanks everyone. ^^

OBS

2008-03-30T18:02:00.002+08:00

Came back from OBS camp on friday(: I was grouped in Cook, together with Jillian, Peyling, Xiangqi, Cheryl,Pearlyn, Geok Leng, Lionel, Suraj, Anthony, Edwin, Kim Hwa, Wen Kai, Jason Daniel, Zhi Xuan.

Ate bread and biscuits for most breakfast and lunch, Maggie or rice for dinner.
Trekked from one camp to another for hours, Kayak for about four hours plus.
Lots of activities carried out, impossible for me to list them all.

Last day, we were told to say three thank yous, two apologies, and one thing that we want to improve on.

Thanks Jillian, peyling and Xiangqi for accompanying me to everywhere I go.
Cook, I feel very fortunate to be in this watch.
Peilee for being patient with us.

Sorry Jillian, peyling and Xiangqi for being so blur everytime.
for not knowing how to open the canned food.

...

Missing the camp :X

Yesterday went for St John's flag day to obtain CIP hours, but of course to help out too:D
Dismissed at around three plus, went to bugis with Meishan, Jasmine and Suet Ting for her belated birthday.

We know what to buy for her now..

I have been feeling very strange after the camp, had better forget about it soon.

Another day

2008-02-22T17:08:00.002+08:00

Another weekend..

Quite tired this week. Biology test, Maths common test, History test!
I got back my Chemistry test. It's the worst I've ever scored! T.T I managed to get a pass for my Social Studies test(:

Everyday is just like any other days.

Yesterday stayed back with Candice and Meishan to complete the task given to us-changing the contents on the Notice Board. The problem was that we couldn't find any decorations for it!

Today Physics lesson, Mr Wong shouted at us. Very fierce, even before he started lecturing us, I could tell that something was not right.

Time goes on.

2008-02-15T16:59:00.002+08:00

Hello everyone!

Life goes on as usual. I still don't quite get Physics. And there are lots of tests next week:D

But I enjoy every lesson on each day. This week on Tuesday, our english lesson turned into a bidding session, it was very fun! I was so engrossed in the bidding that I forgot that there are people in the class tooXD "200!" "400!" Lastly, *raised up my hand with agitation within me*"600, 600!" Haha, my reaction was so exaggerated that Michelle couldn't help but to cover her face with her hands and then laughed loudly.

During the Biology lesson, Meishan had hipcupps. There was this one time when it was so loud,I laughed uncontrollably.

Any idea how I spent my Valentine's Day? It was very special, indeed. I went to the doctor for medical check-up. The staff kept on scolding me T.T She doesn't know that I have slow reactions. She said take off your shoes and go up, I took off my shoes and then asked my mum "go up where?" She told me up onto the bed, I was about to do that when that staff shouted rudely"HELLO,HELLO, UP ONTO THE WEIGHING SCALE!" I was so upset, I nodded my head with great sadness. After measuring of weight, I need time to get down but she ordered me"GET DOWN, GET DOWN!" I was doubly sad. Next, she measured my height. And then passed me a plastic cup and said"GO TO THE TOILET AND THEN COMPLETE THIS THING AND wait for me!" I asked my mum"where is the toilet?" That staff almost screamed"I SAID BEHIND, BEHIND!GO TO THE TOILET!"

Had a happy week!

Weeeee

2008-02-07T14:00:00.000+08:00

Weeeeeeeee!

Chinese new year again.(:

So far still can, I find everything is still quite smooth-sailing ,except for some homework that I have no idea of how to complete them. And it is really frustrating, when you try and try but the answer is still wrong no matter what.
But I guess my greatest concern is Physics, surely there are some ways to solve these problems?

Life will be happier if one does not compare himself or herself with others.
My chemistry teacher told us not to have self-pity, well I guess she is right.

Hope to remain positive and be able to catch up with my schoolwork soon.

Anyway, I have been trying my best in everything for this year as far as I know. Yeah, so that's about it.

Better than not updating:D

Making good use

2007-11-29T14:53:00.000+08:00

Nowadays feel that I don't have many things to do online, so I usually login for a while only.
Going December soon, that's fast. Haha, I didn't go out with friends till now, haven't been meeting them for the past few weeks.

Wanna be one who looks on the bright side(:

That's all!

The tune

2007-11-15T13:05:00.000+08:00

Monday night came back from Malacca. Finally, after a few years, my mom brought us back there. But didn't get to see my cousins, and this time round, my dad went back with us.(: He doesn't like going anywhere, but it doesn't seem that he regretted going back, he seems to be quite happy. I really dislike something, my sensitive nose.

Yec is setting up cafe, actually it's already in progress. I can't wait to see the end results, with the decorations,painting, the real life kind, not just my own imagination.

Time flies, after next year, will be o'levels. I think it's better to deal with the current situation first ya? I wonder how things will be like next year, sometimes it keeps me pondering.

A new chapter

2007-11-05T16:41:00.000+08:00

Today went back to school for the briefing on Advanced Electives Module. And Miss Prema talked to us about the streaming exercise. She advised all of us to start everything during this holiday before the school starts. I got really worried as she also said that those who are taking pure science, have to be phsycologically prepared because it will be tough and challenging. I have this mixed feeling of backing out as well as moving forward. Well, of course I would hope to overcome the coming months of stress.

I miss 2E, this class rocks!):

It might not be the same anymore, but if I stay on here, I would still feel the better side of it.

Another chapter

2007-10-27T15:38:00.000+08:00

Yay! Holidays.(: Finally can take a break. Gonna miss the school!

A harder time next year, I guess. I'll have to work harder.:D

Once more

2007-10-17T18:15:00.000+08:00

Last paper today! Yeah, the exams ended.

But life now is bored, like there is nothing. How should I say it? End of exams, means all my friends would be dispersed into different classes. Seriously, although there were conflicts here and there, I still feel that they are really great. Two years, the familiar faces now. Remembering the time when I entered secondary one, I found myself in a total darkness environment.If not for them, would I be able to adjust to the environment?

..Still, I'll treasure.

I only wanted.

2007-09-02T13:25:00.000+08:00

This one week of holiday, is good yet not good.
I have alot to do, I guess and alot to think about too. Not that I have too much time to spare but I really have to recall everything and put them in order again.
Yesterday, something reminded me of something, and it makes me feel really sad, everything came back at once, hitting me real hard inside. Maybe it is something good and that I should be grateful for for the months which had passed made me left everything behind. But still, it remains here. I will put that behind.

Now, the reality. I will soon face this once more. The same feeling, thoughts. Near yet so far.

Stopped

2007-08-29T20:50:00.000+08:00

Grades are falling. Disappointment, sadness, frustration.. all at one go, I can feel them. Stressed, I couldn't find the time to understand myself.

Completed the literature project, that day stayed up till 2am. Yesterday, there was supposed to be a history test, but Mr Mohan postponed it to today. It didn't help actually, as yesterday Jasmine and I had to do the library CIP at the Bukit Merah Library till 7.30pm. By the time I got home, I was already feeling very tired.

My Chinese test, is position 12 in class, that's sad. I failed my Science test): This makes me feel even worse. I think I will fail today's history test too, this is the worst state that I have even been in. But I guess I have got over it, thanks to the English passage and Literature lesson.

Void of stress

2007-08-15T20:31:00.000+08:00

I have been quite busy for the past few days. Yesterday login to msn to discuss the yec product with meishan and candice till around ten plus. We struggled, really. We could not think of the cover. Oh.. and we have changed the shoe protector to somekind of holder. Yeah, we decided to tell Mrs Tan that we could not think of anything. actually that is asking for scoldings. We thought that by today we have to show her the product, fortunately, it's not today. Anyway, we have to submit the product sooner or later, by next wednesday. Although I was tired, but I could not sleep last night.

Today is a much relaxing day for me. My group presented for the English Reader's Theatre. My role is being the princess mouse, and I had to sing three times. I felt really nervous, and awkward. The first time, I could not control my laughter, and ended up singing a little bit out of tune. The second time, it became more stable. The third time, I laughed again. I really enjoyed myself.

Breathing

2007-08-09T16:20:00.000+08:00

I couldn't catch up with my schoolwork. I am so glad that it's holidays now, if not for now, I would have gone mad. But I can't seem to do it): I can't, I told myself to sit down and complete my homework, I still stood up and walked around. But I am sure I can, somehow.

Happy birthday Maurice(my kor)! Happy National Day!

Dream to cross

2007-08-08T20:05:00.000+08:00

I got back my history's test result yesterday, 7/15. Mr Mohan initially said that the passing mark is 9 but he later on changed to 7. I just passed the test): Well, it's kinda sad and I didn't revise for it. That time the science test, I also didn't revise and got just a pass too. I'm totally disappointed, honestly. What has become of me? A person who never revises, and feel sad in the end because of all the results I scored. There was the class phototaking, we brought our class t shirts to school. After school, there was the cca phototaking.

Today, it was fun! haha, very happy.(:

Shocked

2007-08-03T21:23:00.000+08:00

Everything is gone, just like that. It hurts and shocks me. But I still have to accept it.

Homework! Homework! Projects!
Presented today for the cme project, is it really weird? lol.. haha. All of you couldn't hear us and I thought that I should project my voice?

I couldn't make it to Jialan's birthday party! ): My chinese partner! Loveya(:

when all comes

2007-07-26T21:20:00.000+08:00

I am having a hard time this week. Yesterday's yec meeting was a scary one, each of us had to present our research, and actually I didn't do my homework. But I managed to slip through.

I didn't have lunch today, because after school, there was the science test straightaway, then the cooking thingy.Gastric pain, I was hungry at first and then I lost my appetite. My friend told miss koh that and she was like "huh?! what?! come come, I give you some biscuits and some milk." I took only the biscuits. I only realised that I was really famished when I was on my way home. I ate my dinner too quickly and now my stomach is hurting. ):

Escapist

2007-07-21T17:30:00.000+08:00

I don't wanna face problems, because I am scared to.
I want everything to be okay.
May I choose to live in a world of happiness instead?

Damn, when can we complete everything? Can we produce the yec product in time? Can we complete the business plan?
I'd thought through everything just now, we are just dust in the wind; gone in the next moment.

Frankly speaking, I don't know what I am talking about now. But I am glad to have everything I've got now. Just a little stressed nowadays, I'll get over it.

Revolving

2007-07-18T18:20:00.000+08:00

I just feel that something is not right, things in school are not right.
Problems just come, you find that you are suffocating, you are struggling free but still trapped there.

Saddened

2007-07-13T21:00:00.000+08:00

We have been working on this yec project for weeks. We were told to think of a product, something which is useful and creative. Splited up into groups, and group 2-I'm in this, thought of a shoe protector. Actually it isn't something great as the teachers said that that already exists, but we could still work on it. We cracked our brains like mad, trying to figure out how we should make it easy for the users to put it on, the materials, etc. And we had to make a prototype out of it, for this, we used paper initially, to make the shoe and plastic bag to make the protector. This was expected- scoldings from a teacher. But she was right, what kind of work is this? Once again, we were told to reconsider the way of making it. And then this time, the real one. Arrgh, we bought a pair of toddler's shoes, and some plastic,etc. Well, in the end, we realised-how do we keep the protector from moving out of its place? .. Couldn't think of a way out then.

Yesterday, we had to submit the product by 5pm. So, we stayed back and complete it. One of our group members brought a pair of school shoes and then we bought a shower cap o.O That's the way out, we guessed. We put it onto the school shoe, and cut some holes here and there, that's it! Till today..

All the leaders had to meet the teacher, hmm.. all got scolded, not even one being let off.
We threw away our product. The trainee said that out of so many groups, ours is the hardest to make, either we think of ways to improve it or we let go.
Our time,money,efforts..

But the trainee and the teacher are right. Our group has to think of a product and start all over again. Will we be able to do a better job? Posters, drawings, product, business plan, everything starts over again. Aww..
Perseverance!

The way it begins

2007-06-16T12:57:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I went back to school to do CIP hours, we have to paint the wall. It was so exhausting..

I haven't complete the holiday homework..

I have nothing to say. Ooh.. my elder brother just came back from his perak camp yesterday night..

A truly fruitful journey

2007-06-04T09:37:00.000+08:00

I had just returned from the twinning programme this morning.

I really enjoyed the ten days there, their values are worth my time for learning as well as improving myself. Their friendliness are undescribable, because when you were with them, you could hardly believe that they are unrelated to you at all.

The picture of singing and holding of hands with them will be forever etched in my mind as that is the first time I really feel so secured and united with someone else, like we are connected together, somehow.

I bought a book, on attitudes in life. I don't know why, my eyes were glued to the book as soon as I noticed it and eventually bought it. It consists of stories on passion, aspirations, kindness,pursuing dreams, smile, etc.

You can choose your day to be bright; you can choose to let things affect you.

I want this holiday to end soon.

I..

2007-05-25T09:30:00.000+08:00

Holidays again!

Do you know?.. I've been thinking for the past few days- if things are like that, I'll just let them be.

Sigh. Hope that school holidays end soon.I wanna go back to school, I can't stand it.

Does..?
I..

Disastrous

2007-05-21T16:43:00.000+08:00

Results were out today!

Sigh.. they are.. how should I describe them?
Of course they are not as good as they were before.
Disappointed, but I'll work harder. I can learn from the mistakes and make this lesson a good one. I'll try and try till I improve!

Position will also drop, I guess. Well, it's okay-life is full of ups and downs. I'll feel sad but still, I feel happy for those people who overtook me and those who improved.(: Sad but I'm willing to try again.

I have to look at the brighter side.
JiayouJiayou!
We can do it!

It has been a long time since..

Hurray!

2007-05-16T18:22:00.000+08:00

Examination is over! Isn't that wonderful?
Now, the time to worry for my results. I'm worrying for my mother tongue paper, what should I do if..? This is the first time I didn't get myself prepared for the subject.If.. then please, my friends, may I ask all of you to do me a favour? Comfort Me! Lame huh? okay.. but seriously, do that. (: I'll be grateful.

I know- Be positive right? I'm trying..

I've no idea why I've got so little things to write in my blog nowadays, did you realise that?

Not what I thought it to be

2007-04-27T18:29:00.000+08:00

Everything isn't going smoothly.

Science test, geography test, math test-I'm not confident of scoring. I did spend time on them but it doesn't look good.

Literature test, I scored only 14/25. A disappointment!

Mid-year examinations are coming real soon, I've to work hard! I've to really thank my parents for not pressurizing me, I told them that my grades are falling but they encouraged and comforted me telling me that the efforts put in are more important.

Trying hard to get myself back onto the "study" track. Whatever it is, I must stay positive.

(:

I'll be left.

2007-04-20T18:24:00.000+08:00

I'm so glad that it's going weekend again!
The only time I can get enough rest..

This isn't an enjoyable week, really. Alright, I won't go into details. (: Today received my geography result, I thought that I should share my joy with my mum. But as I wanted to tell her, she said" don't talk now, later, I am very busy." I felt so upset, undescribable. Then, I decided not to mention to her anything about the test anymore. But in the end, I did. Haa..

I've to complete the IPW and Geography project! Quite stressful actually. No pain no gain.
I've to start my revision.

(: Daydreaming..

The backup

2007-04-05T21:07:00.000+08:00

DNT is almost over.
I slept at 3 plus today morning and woke up at 5.30 to get ready for school. I was rushing my Dnt homework, I started on it at around eight plus, I thought I might be able to complete it before twelve, but as I saw the minutes, then hours ticking away, I thought to myself" you don't have to rush anymore, because you might not even be able to sleep tonight." I could feel my eyelids getting heavier, but still I forced them opened.
Eleven, Twelve, One, Two..
My dad asked me several times" have you completed your homework?" Felt giddy and tired, felt like vomiting. I wanted to tell my parents but after a second thought, I decided not to because they would most probably say"go and sleep now! Health is more important." But saving the marks would be more important.
Finally, I completed everything. I used my hands to feel the softness of the bed, because I really missed it.
I fell asleep during Geography class today, if you observed, you would have seen me trying to exercise my arms, legs and body while sitting down to keep myself awake. I couldn't stand the tiredness..

If this is worth it, I don't mind. Even if it's not what I want, I would still treasure it.

Sports day

2007-03-24T21:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the Sports day. Falcon lost by one point! But anyway, we did our best.

Next week, camping in school. The whole school will be camping, secondary one for the Sparkc camp, secondary two for school camping, seconday three for obs, secondary four for study camp. I will miss everyone. How do I survive? without..

What's that?!

2007-03-11T18:33:00.000+08:00

I microwaved a bread bought from Delifrance this morning, well.. according to my mom, I turned it to 5 minutes, with 200 for the temperature I think. I could feel myself drooling as the nice smell rose through the air. ''Ting!" 5 minute was up! I couldn't wait to take the first bite of it, but as soon as I was reaching the kitchen, I saw smoke! My elder brother was in the dining room, so I said"hey! there's smoke! Why?" He didn't look surprised. I walked into the kitchen, turned off the switch, and took the plate out from the microwave, okay..it was burnt, smoke everywhere, with the strong, burnt smell. I thought to mysef" sigh.. look at what you've done!" I ran to my parents and "reported" what happened, they were sleeping but woke up the moment they heard me. My mom was shaking her head, and I told her" you told me to adjust to that time and temperature." My Dad was smiling at me, telling me that it's okay.

No school tomorrow, but going back for IPW.

The nights.

2007-03-09T17:46:00.000+08:00

I've been burning midnight oil for the past few weeks. I didn't have time to watch television and use the computer, my friends have the time to do all that but not me. I think it's because I took my own sweet time to do my homework. Okay, that means I deserved it?

Today we got back our result slips. Well, I was quite happy. Just that I feel that my chinese and literature should be improved. I scored a C6 for my literature, I was quite disappointed but I had expected this. After the teacher distributed the result slips to us, I realised something- Anthony, who was sitting beside me was quiet, not in his usual behaviour and self. I asked him"are you sad?" He shook his head. I asked him"are you disappointed?" He shook his head. Then, he said"I'm very HAPPY! I got the last position in the class, so that means the others will be relieved because I just helped them, they needn't worry about getting the last position." I didn't know what to say, because what he said was very sad, and as a friend, I felt sad too. He got 3A1s but his other subjects pulled him down.

How should I describe my feeling now? Happy or sad? School holiday is arriving soon, that means there is no need to go to school, sigh..

I'm very touched and happy about what my parents told me when they saw my results, I said"if I can score higher for literature, it would be better." They said" to us, it's already very good, you don't have to stress yourself." This is the first time they said that to me, after 13 years.

Next week there is no school.. *cries* but it might be good.
Have I..?

Ain't a crybaby.

2007-02-16T20:42:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, during the dnt lesson, the teachers told us to do the material list and submit it after the dnt lesson. It was already close to dismissal, but my paper was still blank. When it was dismissal, I panicked and started asking the teacher, but all he said was"you have to know the length, the breadth." He said something like that, of course I can't blame him, I have to blame myself because I don't understand. Then, he said"Quick! I have to go home now." He wasn't just speaking to me, there are a few of my classmates still doing the paper. After a few minutes, he said"go to the canteen to do." I started crying as my paper was still blank while I packed my things and then walked out of the room.

Jacie fell down today, so ZIlin and I helped to carry Jasmine and her bags while Lynn, Glenda and her helped Jacie. We found a file, with nice drawings in it, and we thought that it belongs to Jacie, so we brought it with us. But in the class, one of our friends told us that there is a person's name written on the papers. So, we hurried down to the library but that class had gone for recess, we passed the file to the aunty in charge of the library, After school, Lynn called me up and told me to go to the General Office, when Zilin and I arrived there, we saw Mr Satwant, three malay guys, Glenda and Lynn. And Mr Satwant talked to us, "where is the file?" We said that we had passed it to the aunty in the library and we also explained how we have taken the file.One of the malay guys turned to me and said"where did you say you have place it?"I said it again and he said thank you. I was shocked because he was smiling and not scolding me.

Expressions

2007-02-03T18:46:00.000+08:00

For some days of this week, I went to the opposite coffeeshop to have lunch.For the first day, I was walking out of the school with my friends when I saw them, and then one looked at me, I don't know how to describe his expression, his eyes. So, I quickened my pace to get beside my friend in order to hide myself. And then another day, I was already at the coffeeshop sitting down with my friends, then I saw three guys, one malay, one indian and one chinese. The indian is another guy, not the one I met while walking out of the school, but they are friends, I think. They were walking towards the coffeeshop, actually I was facing the coffeshop but I had a certain feeling that told me something so I turned myself, and then I saw them. I quickly turned to talk to my friends again. After they found available seats, they sat down and after a few moments, I saw the indian walking back to school, he never went back to the coffeeshop, I don't know why. Isn't it weird for a person to go with his friends to a coffeeshop and then went back to school by himself? And then when we were eating, my friends said that the two guys were looking at our directions. After eating, I went to the restroom with my friends, when I walked past them, they were looking at me with expressions like telling me something, which leave question marks for me. We walked past them again when we walked to our seats, and then they looked again.

On friday, I was walking from the English homeroom to another homeroom with my classmates, and I saw the guy walking with his classmates, we were like looking at each other, when some of the playful guys in my class started playing, one of them nearly knocked onto me, I was standing there startled, he was looking from the moment he saw me till the guy nearly knocked onto me and stopped just a few cm in front of me, I can't make out if he had a worried expression. After that, we continued walking, and then he was with his friends, I wasn't sure if he was talking to his friends, but he turned his head to his right side, I was walking at the right too just that there were some people in front of me so I only managed to see part of him After school, I went to the library, and then there was a making lantern activity going on so I couldn't go in. After making a trip to the restroom, the aunty told us to go in to join in, so we went in. After quite sometime, his chinese friend and him came to enjoy aircon, I saw them pulling the door open and then they stood in a little, using their hands to fan themselves. I heard him saying to the aunty"oh, thank you, thank you" or rather"no, thank you, thank you." Because the aunty must have asked them to join in the lantern making activity. He also saw me, but few seconds later, they were gone.

For the recovery.

2007-01-27T20:50:00.000+08:00

Forcing myself to recall what happened for the past few days.

There was the maths quiz yesterday, hope that I'll be able to fair well.

Let's talk about thursday, we had pe, Mr Satwant wanted us to jog so he brought us to the nearby park. We were running the sixth round when it started drizzling, then quite a heavy downpour. When we realised that it was drizzling, we continued jogging, that was the only way as we have to get back to him. But drizzling soon became heavy downpour, then we have to speed up. For most of my friends, we were drenched. We went to the void deck of the HDB flats for shelter. The teacher wanted to speak to us, and at the same time, we could rest. But after that, we ran back to school. We went to the canteen, then to the foyer. I saw some of the Indian guys there, seen them lots of times and remember them. I was like feeling kinda awkward and shy, because I nearly fell down in front of them once. My friends have taken all the four seats, so I had to remain standing. For a few times, I looked at them, and saw one of them also looking at me. A few moments later, Jasmine and Jacie were heading to their lockers, so there were seats available, then I immediately sat down. I looked at him again, guess what he was doing? He was looking at his shoes. I was like giggling to myself as I didn't expect that. Few seconds later, I looked again, I can't help it, I just felt very curious. Then he somehow was like looking at me expressionless. I looked at him without any expressions too. After that, he was talking to his friend, a pity I couldn't understand. I just hope that he wasn't saying"her hair is in a mess."

I wished my classmate happy birthday today in msn. His birthday was a few days ago, I didn't have time to wish him so I asked him" is your birthday on ...?" He said"over already." Then I said" I didn't have time to login on that day, can wish now or not?" He said"can, lol." I really wished him, feeling so silly after that.

Time management

2007-01-21T22:26:00.000+08:00

There are so many homework, and projects coming soon. I haven't been revising my work for the past few days, been rather busy with my homework. I didn't really have the time to revise, something is wrong with my time management, I guess? There must be a way to solve this! My mom said that I have to get at least the third place in my class to get the thing which I requested. Well, I will do my best, if I really make it, then I can have that! If not, then it's too bad. I think this year, it won't be so easy for me to score and top the class, I don't mean that it was easy last year. This year will be the streaming year, and I think my classmates will study and go for it, so that means it will be a bad news for me. I must achieve what I desire! Time for a change in my time management, I must revise.

I went for the cca orientation last friday, I thought it would be a bored one. But it ended up being a great one, I talked to some of my seniors, they are so friendly. And some friends from other classes also chatted with me, we had fun together. I was laughing non-stop, I was there to help with yec, to introduce yec to the parents. I was so nervous before it started, when I saw the parents just in front of me, my heart was thumping so quickly However, I realised that I could acually do it! Some sentences were repeated several times"we go for IKEA sales, participated in Valentine's sale, teachers' day sale, and so on." Some of them asked" will you all have training?" I answered" we have external and internal trainings." That's what the teacher told us. Once, I was talking to a friend, then a parent came up to me and asked"what activities are there?" My mind was blank, I said"erm..erm..Ike.." Then a senior interrupted and helped me continued. Another one, a parent was like asking questions, and one of my seniors was answering her questions, I joined in, I said" we will be able to learn some speaking skills." She asked"what kinds of speaking skills?" I didn't expect her to ask that, so I cracked my brain on the spot, and answered" we will be able to speak with convidence." I pronounced'confidence' wrongly, I said'convidence' but luckily, it isn't that obvious, they sound alike. I knew that I pronounced wrongly, but I still smiled at her, appearing that nothing went wrong. I love this!

Alright, friends, stay happy!

The hurt.

2007-01-12T19:28:00.000+08:00

I was quite busy for the past few days. I'll just write a short one.

He is cruel, I feel so hurt after checking something. I told myself"don't cry." I hope that I would never get to see him again. Perhaps he didn't know that I already have feelings for him, I was so cold towards him last year. Actually, before I check anything, somehow, I've already know what I would see, because I know that he isn't a person who remains. But I thought a miracle would happen. Jasmine told me that she saw him yesterday, I was so happy. That tells me that he is okay.

Which brings back fond memories of ex-merahans.

2007-01-05T20:12:00.000+08:00

The teachers finally distributed the school magazines to us! I missed all those who have sat for the o'levels last year. When I got home, I started flipping from page to page to see the faces. There are some baby photos of those from sec four last year. So adorable! I compared their baby faces with their current looks, haha. I recalled the Graduation Ceremony, and I thought to myself" it's time to forget, do you think that anyone will remember you?" The canteen is so empty, the mass jog will be a bored one, the rice is tasteless.

I wonder how I will fare for this year, I'm not aiming to beat anyone, honestly. I hope that this year will end soon and I also hope that it will end slower. End quickly because I can't stand the sadness which I'm feeling now. End slower because I want to have more time with my classmates. I told myself" even a stranger wants you to study hard and score, a schoolmate whom you don't know of course will also hope that you could do that." I used that to always tell myself to stop thinking, and get on with my work. Hope that they will pass with flying colours to enter polytechnics. I'm losing concentration, alot. But still, I will try my best.

The start of my missing.

2007-01-04T19:22:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, it was quite a bored day, mainly on speeches. My new form teacher, Mrs Chan is a very nice lady. I couldn't find the excitement, although I get to see all my classmates again, it's because of.. And school hours, mass jog, recess time had changed. For Monday and Tuesday, we will be dismiss at 2pm, Wednesday and Thursday, we will be dismiss at 1pm, Friday, we will be dismiss at 12.30pm. Mr Satwant announced that mass jog will be changed slightly, level by level, that means on a particular day, sec ones will run.Another day, sec twos will run and so on to prevent congestion. We used to run with another level, but now, a little bored. Recess time changed, they used to let us all go for recess together. But now, they said that since the seniors like cutting queues, they will put sec threes and fours together for recess and sec ones and twos for recess and that can also save the time spent on queueing up. What's the difference? there are still lots of people in the canteen, although the queues have cut short but does that mean anything? Actually, I like the idea of together going for recess, it's like all schoolmates staying together, eating together but now we are being separated, that means that we won't know each other that well.

Today actually we have agreed on going to Bukit Merah Central together, but after we finished our lunch in school, Jasmine told Xinyi and I to run, while Jacie isn't looking. We started running, I said" why? I thought we'll be going together?it's bad to leave her behind." But my legs carried on going. Of course I know that it's kinda wrong, to leave someone behind, it's so sad. They don't seem to want her coming along, we were so surprised when she didn't call us. I'm so mean, I did that to her, she must be sad and hurt now. I can't imagine the sadness, she will feel that no one welcomes her.

I didn't forget him, it's so empty without him around. I wonder how he has been doing, has he been flirting again? He's my crush, I didn't see him for about two months plus already, when will he come and visit the school teachers? He must have forgotten me although he somehow tried to befriend me last year. I can't see him during recess or mass jog anymore.

Smiling times

2006-12-31T21:39:00.000+08:00

Didn't post for the past few days because of my computer's problem.

On 28 December, I chatted with Jasmine on the phone when Jacie called on my handphone. I was kinda surprised, but happy. She thanked me for sending her a christmas card, well I'll assume that it's a card although it looks more like a letter. We talked about this and that, she told me that it has been a long time since any of her friends had sent her a card as they are lazy. I asked her if she is happy to receive one from me. She said" YES!Very happy!" I felt so relieved after hearing that. She also told me that it isn't necessary to buy her a present since her birthday was already over. I just feel that one should forget about the unhappiness, put them behind and start all over again. Just like now, going on 2007. It would be good for everyone.

I won't be able to watch deathnote2 with Jasmine, such a pity! I might not even watch it.

Getting really nervous about going back to school, I just hope that I can be laughing everyday. And the mass jog will be a bored one, I guess. Everything will be different, without some people around. I'm starting to question myself on why I still hold on to those times, those memories, those daring acts. The thing is" I can't move on without them." So, I'll bring them into 2007 with me, with them accompanying me throughout the year, they will make me smile to myself at times. I don't care even if people look at me with puzzled looks wondering why I am smiling to myself. I want to treasure those memories, and the smile. I want another smile.

Was it a lie?

2006-12-26T20:51:00.000+08:00

Well, I found out one thing today. I don't know if it's a misunderstanding or a lie? I won't say what it's about. I think one of them lied to me. She told me that.. but it turned out to be two only. Perhaps it's a white lie, it might be better without a useless person tagging along who makes all lose freedom and lessen the number of choices available. Forget it.

I waited so long for her christmas card, but nothing was received. I just wonder why, I thought that I would be able to receive her card, but the unexpected actually happened. Do you know what I did? I checked my letterbox almost everyday, but was utterly disappointed everytime, kinda dragged my footsteps and mind was whirling with confuse. However, Jasmine was right, "is it worth thinking over this?"

And regretted for saying"best friends forever, together forever" to 'Z'. That now is a promise broken, I shouldn't have said that to her. I bet she still remembers the five words, especially when I stopped being her best friend. You can't say that she doesn't hate or dislike me now, who knows? But it's pretty lame to use the word 'hate' or 'dislike' right? That I don't understand, why it's so difficult to not think about the two words or to use the two words on someone.

Forget it.

Beyond words

2006-12-23T21:45:00.000+08:00

I didn't do much this few days. Yesterday was Jacie's birthday, I sms her. But I don't know if she received it.I forgot what happened..

Holidays will soon be over, I didn't study much, well? You guys will say"holidays, study for what?are you mad?" I just feel that if I do something during the holidays, I might be able to adjust to the "study" environment more quickly, and catch up with all the things which will be taught in school faster.

I can't figure out a way to beat my didi when bickering with him.He is way too good at it.

I won't be celebrating my christmas with my friends=( That's sad, but.. forget it.

Next year will be so less interesting than this year. Lesser familiar faces, well.. just sad.
And everything starts from zero, as in understanding the topics, studying. All begins from the start, like a blank piece of paper at first, then filled up with lots of things, just like human minds.

The other day, my mom asked me to unlock the back gate.I just took the key and then head towards it. She said" I think I will be striking lottery soon." I thought she had a dream on numbers. Guess what she said? She said" this is the first time, I asked you to do something, and you didn't even utter a word or give me one of your looks." Actually, I was thinking about something.

Time solves it

2006-12-20T20:57:00.000+08:00

I quarrelled with my younger brother today, I used the computer at around 11.56 to 12.57pm. When I started using the computer, I told him"I will use it for a while." When I stopped, I told him that I had used it for one hour and one minute. He said that I started at 11.50am. Actually, I was unsure what time I started. But I said"no! I started at 11.56." He continued arguing with me. After lunch, he started it again. He said to kor" what does use it for a while means?How long is the a while?" My brother said"it means fifty minutes plus." My younger brother insisted that he answered with a different answer"I mean 'a while', what does it mean?" Again, the same answer, my elder brother added"everytime when you said a while, you will take about one hour." Then the younger one said" I was playing games, it's different." I said" sometimes one takes about two hours, it's even worse than me." I was referring to my younger brother. Then, he said" I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU! WHY MUST YOU SAY THAT?"I said" you were talking about me, I can read your mind, you are always like that."Then my mom stared at me.

Today when I was online in msn earlier this afternoon, Jacie login. I talked to her, and then apologised to her about not being able to celebrate her birthday with her, and also asked her some questions. I asked her" do you blame me for leaving you out? For not talking to you during the school party?" She said in the past yes, but now not really. I hope that she was telling the truth, but I am quite relieved now.I finally managed to think of a reason why Z would give Jasmine a letter like that. I think maybe she wants me to feel jealous. You see? She wrote 'you and me only', she doesn't want to let anyone else know that. And she should know that Jasmine would show me for sure, so if she knows that, she would be sure that I would be able to read. And then maybe hope that I would give her a call or send her a christmas card. But I hope that what she mentioned in the letter is true, because if it's not, it would hurt everyone.

Back in the past

2006-12-18T22:32:00.000+08:00

An interesting thing today.. I met up with Jasmine at Bukit Merah Central, she showed me something which somehow dampened my mood. Makes me feel more confuse, and scared. It's like going one circle, and I don't understand how it goes. Forget it. Today when I was in the Library with Jasmine, I was looking for a chinese book, there was a man beside me, and then when I bent down a bit, I thought to myself"where did that man go?how come he's not there?" At that moment, I felt my butt knocking onto something, I thought to myself" how come the distance between two shelves are so near?I just moved two steps back." And I looked behind, the man was there! I jumped, and said"oops! Sorry, sorry!" When my butt knocked onto him,he still stood there, it's like either he didn't know that or feigning ignorance, he should have moved away immediately,I was wearing a skirt.He did something normal but not really right when he sat on a bench, I was like suddenly turned to look at him when he did that, and then pretended to be reading my book when he turned to look at us, I forced myself not to laugh, he walked away after a few seconds, and then we started laughing, I cried. And another man, he walked past Jasmine and me who happened to sit on the bench at that time, he looked at us and then at me, I wasn't imagining anything. He just kept on looking, and then me too did that. He even sat down on the floor beside the shelve almost my front, but not very near. So I was like" precaution!" He was still looking and then I covered my face with a book.

I had a great chat with Jillian today about the past, I really missed the times. Although our hearts remained as one, sometimes that isn't true, we could just say"hi" and then "bye" when we see each other in school. But I can say that Ally and her are my best friends ever, we quarrelled sometimes but forgot about everything the next day. We chased each other in school like it was no one's business, we played like we were small kids, we laughed like the whole world's with us, we danced as though there was music played, we cried as though something big happened, we fought with each other using hands, trying to see who has the greatest strength, we share happiness and sadness like real sisters. I love them, wahahhaa XD

I thought..

2006-12-17T15:42:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was upset about few things. Firstly, after dinner, all my family members left the dining room to watch television, except for my younger brother, he was still eating. They left the plastic bags, the plates on the table. I just said to my younger brother" remember to place your bowl into the basin later."He immediately scolded me"N. B.., WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I AM NOT A THREE YEAR OLD KID OKAY?! STOP TELLING ME TO DO THIS AND THAT! I KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO PLACE IT IN THE BASIN!" I just kept quiet, listened to what he said and said"I am just reminding you to place it in the basin, because in the past, you would just leave it on the table waiting for someone to help you with it."He said"I KNOW WHAT TO DO! YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND ME!" After eating his dinner, he did what he was supposed to do and switched off the lights and fan before walking away. I shouted for mom and she asked him what happened. He said that I started it first. I have to clear the table so I switched on everything and started placing them together before I bring them into the kitchen while wiping my tears.The reason I cried was because the words he used on me were really harsh, especially the word N.B. After that, I went to the room which my mom was at, and complained to her" just now, didi scolded me using a vulgar word." Then, she asked me"why?" I said"it's because I asked him to place his bowl into the basin and...and.." Before even completing my sentence, I started to be a crybaby again. My mom laughed and said"why let him agitate you? Once someone agitates you, you can't stand it." I really agree with her.

I won't mention the other things which upset me.

Yesterday, went into friendster, and sent messages to my friends.It was really lame.Do you know that? How am I going to find my kindergarten friends back? But I think that it's worth a try.

Anger, Frustration, irritation, worries, sadness. That's all I have got. Don't misunderstood me, I am not scolding anyone, just myself okay? Some close friends seem to be agitating me by doing something, I don't know if that is the case, but I just know that I am really very upset with myself. Please don't ask me what is wrong with me nowadays. At first, I asked J if she wants to go out with me, and in the end, I told her that I don't have money, so I can't go out with her. And I felt bad after thinking back what I said, and told myself that I have to get a job in order to earn money to go out.But after a second thought, she might not even be willing to go out with me, she might not even wants to go out with me. It's kinda obvious actually, when I asked her if she wants to go out with me, she asked another person to come along, and even changed the date to another date just to suit the person's time.It's either she tried to agitate me or she is starting to dislike me or she means no harm. Whatever the conclusion is, I am upset with myself.

Really..

Looking back

2006-12-14T17:52:00.000+08:00

For the past few days, I have been searching for my kindergarten friends through friendster. I think I can really find them. I found one girl who was from the same kindergarten, and the same age as me. Just that I couldn't recall my classes which I was in. Today, I went to the store room, and started looking for my kindergarten photos, I have to admit that the boxes are really heavy, I struggled to carry them and push them aside. I told myself" use more stength, and you would be able to find the photos." I did used all my strength to carry them. My mom said that they are in one of the boxes and she told me which box it is. A box which contains my secondary one books happened to be on the top of it. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't move it. But in the end, I managed to, I didn't know how I did it. But anyway, I couldn't find the photos in the box. I felt so silly, I used so much strength to carry the box on top of it just to retrieve the photos, and it turned out that they aren't in the box. So I moved some boxes and continued searching, all my efforts went down the drain. I gave up, the only thing which I am happy about was that I still remember which box to place at a certain place. If I failed to do that, my mom will nag at me.

Going library soon, if my dad can't drive me there, maybe I have to try 855 by myself. I couldn't trust myself. I used my imagination to think how it would be like, it seems easy, like it's very comfortable.

Lol, my saving is decreasing. Can't go out with Jacie because of that. My mom said that she won't fork out the money for me anymore, she said that since I want to go out, I have to use my own money. At first, I was angry. But I thought to myself"she is right, why use her money when I want to go out?" Jasmine said that she was jealous when I went out with Jillian and Ally on the other day, haha. Actually, Jasmine, there's no need to be jealous. If I only go out with you, wouldn't you find that weird? She thought that I would be angry if she tells me that, lol, instead I ain't angry at all, I have to thank her for her honesty.

The time spent was worthwhile

2006-12-11T16:49:00.000+08:00

I went back to school today to help Mrs Tan with the shifting of items from the yec room to the new yec room, Suet ting, Jasmine, Michelle, Jacie, Zhan soon, Anthony, Hpone and Jiaxi also came. Jasmine and I carried lots of things, and climbed the stairs up and down, the times were countless. I was doing something, and Mrs Tan told me to lead Zhan soon and Hpone to the IT Resource room which is our new yec room. They walked behind me, talking about soccer, Hpone asked Zhan soon" did you watch the Liverpool's match?" So, I talked to myself, no choice, they kept on chatting with each other. I walked very fast, and I was wondering if they could catch up with me, so for a few times, I would stop for awhile and looked back. Then I thought I heard them from above, they took the shortcut route! They didn't tell me. So, I sped up my pace, heh, I walked faster than them(: As I was holding the key, I had to unlock the door, So they actually know where the room is, they wasted my energy.

We made lots of trips in order to complete moving them all. Mrs Tan also asked us to remove the posters on the wall, and the thumb tacks too. There was one which was at a rather higher height.So, we girls couldn't take it down. Therefore, we pretended that we didn't know that there was one more left. Later, I saw a photo on the floor, so I picked it up and I wanted to paste it back onto the wall, and then Mrs Tan said"ehh, why one more left, why didn't you bring it down?" I answered honestly"we are not tall enough, couldn't reach it." She told Anthony to help with that. Once, Mrs Tan wanted to move something so she told Jacie and Michelle who were sitting on the chairs to stand up, and then at that time, they were already exhausted so they didn't really hear her.

At last, we managed to move all the things. So, we moved on to the new yec room. The guys were playful and were warned by Mrs Tan. Mrs Tan told us to place the baskets on the top of the box, we wanted to obey her, so we tried our best to squeeze all the baskets onto the tiny space, we even tried stacking them up. Then, she said"aiyo! if there is no place, then put them onto the floor la!"Lol.

After the "chores", Mrs Tan treat us to Horfun as lunch, the guys, Jasmine and I were told to go with them to buy the lunch. They walked really fast, within seconds, they were gone. Thus, Jasmine and I went back to the room. Soon, it began raining, lol. We asked permissions to borrow the umbrellas from the General office for them, as it was raining quite heavily. It is weird for us to borrow the umbrellas just to shelter them from the rain, but they are our friends. We were lent two umbrellas, and realised that one was spoilt at the side. Jasmine at first was using that umbrella, that meant that that umbrella, we would use it. And she was trying so hard to turn the umbrella into its original shape. But, I said"hey, why don't we use the other one? it would be easier." Then she agreed. Although we had an umbrella above us, but I was still wet from the rain. They were quite surprised to see us, but I just handed it to Hpone. And we crossed the road back to school. When they were back, one of them said"very clever right? give us the spoilt one." Lol. The funniest part was when Hpone jumped from the table onto the floor in the yec room, Mrs Tan said"Hpone!!" I was quite surprised to see him like that as usually he is well-behaved.
The time spent was worthwhile.

Nothing like that

2006-12-09T21:56:00.000+08:00

I didn't sleep well last night, woke up two times, lol, I drank too much water. The first time, I went to the toilet and I didn't dare to step out of it, although my room is just outside the toilet. So, I went to the computer room as I saw dim light from the room, thus I thought that my dad was there. I went to seek for his help, since the toilet is connected both sides. I spoke unclearly" go..help me.I mean go to my room."Lol, but I managed to see my dad's expression, he was shocked. It has been years since I went to him like that. It was dark, actually maybe not really dark, perhaps it was because I just woke up.

Not really easy to fall asleep.. everytime I have to spend at least 15 to 30 minutes before I can sleep.Lol. Maybe it's better to tire myself out during the day.

Going back to school on monday.

I wiped around 26 windows today. But quite relieved now, they are all cleaned!

I looked through sec 2 maths, I don't understand a single word, only managed to understand a little bit after reading repeatedly for times. I must study harder.

It's a mistake.. superglue doesn't help. Only a mind of peace has a way.

Undone work

2006-12-06T16:02:00.000+08:00

Jasmine is going out with Jacie today, lol, now kind of regretted for not agreeing to go out with Jacie when she asked me to. Anyway, I deserve it. Well..

I haven't decide on the date of when to go to the library with Jasmine. I don't know which date to choose, anyway I will find a way later. And I haven't complete the chinese holiday assignment, I just need one more book.

I have finished revising 1A chinese, well not a good news actually. I took so long to revise that particular book. There's something I have been wondering, should I be revising my secondary two's books? And not really looking forward to going back to school. I can imagine the problems coming to me, but I think the one who is worried now should be Jasmine. Jasmine, if you don't understand, sms me.

Most importantly, I haven't look for a job! Jasmine..do you want to look for one? If you don't want, I will see how it goes.

I haven't started practising the bus from school to home. Maybe try it when school reopens. I have studied the route, hopefully it's the right one. I have to go to the bus-stop opposite my school, but that's not the one I am worrying about. Undone work..

Think through

2006-12-05T22:10:00.000+08:00

My second post of the day. I chatted with Clement's cousin, lol, I thought he is clement's best friend. I said"you are clement's best friend?" He said"erm.. actually we are cousins." Felt so awkward, and anyway, I apologised"sorry!" He said"relax, it's not so serious." And he asked me "how did you know clement?" I thought through everything.. before I even answer, in case I say something wrong and make him thinks that I actually have some kind of feelings for him. Clement can be considered one of the guys who knows me better, a little bit. Jasmine and I are always bickering with Si hao and him. It's really fun!

'Evil' is from India, you must be thinking"wah!! you even befriended a friend from India." Anyway, I don't really mind where friends come from. He is looking for a job, and he calls himself a noob. Sigh.. and he told me to go to India to open a Burger shop with him, ahaha. I nearly replied" employ some employees." It would be so rude as though I am the lady boss. Phew. He might have mistaken me if I said that.

Just on my part

2006-12-05T13:09:00.000+08:00

Last night, I tried really hard to sleep, but in the end, I slept after 30 minutes. It's just like this, you don't understand.

I sms Jacie yesterday to ask her if she wants to go out with me one day. You are wondering why I asked her that right? Well, she had asked me to go out several times but I said"see first, because I am unsure." And I think she gave up asking me, so I thought that I should take the initiative to ask her. I waited the whole day for her reply, but she didn't reply.So I checked my 'sent items', I realised that I hasn't send her a single message. That's so silly. After knocking on my head, I started creating the message again and then sent. She replied so soon. Lol.

Just now, my dad bought the lunch back, three takeaways. One for my mom, that's for sure. So there were two left. I had to choose either one and the last packet for my younger brother. Curry chicken in one packet, pork chop in another packet. Then I told my dad to ask didi what he wants, my dad said"you choose first, first come first serve." Then my mom said"you take the pork chop, let your brother eat the chicken." I was kind of saddened. I said"okay." And I even gave my brother the egg and minced meat. I thought positively"didi is so skinny, he should eat more." Lol, that's the only way I can comfort myself. So I ate vegetables and pork chop, well my mom is bias, anyway, I am used to it.

A sad sad thing..

2006-12-04T20:35:00.000+08:00

Today I wiped the windows, finally willingly helped out. I even stood on a chair to reach the top window, not tall enough. My mom said"why are you so short?" I said"when can papa and you grow taller?!"

When can I grow taller? Hmm.. My friend is 164cm tall. 'Evil' is 193cm tall, I don't know if he told me the truth. Aron said"why are you so short? are you stuck at this height?" Sighs.. at first, I am not the least worried, but now I am very worried.*Letting out a cry* lol. I asked 'Evil' his height, and after that he asked me what I am up to. I said"my friend is 164cm, so I want to ask around, to see if I am taller than anyone." Maybe that will make me feel a little bit relieved? He said" ooh,lol." Like he didn't believe me, he must have thought that I made up that story. Ahaha, he is wrong. 193? 185? 175? 168? 15...? Sad sad..

Simple yet happy.

2006-12-03T13:21:00.000+08:00

Just finished reading a storybook which I had bought it yesterday, I wanted to buy Mr Midnight, but there were no new arrivals, so I thought I should buy another kind. I made the right choice, didn't choose the wrong one and even enjoyed reading it. It's another mystery book! Cool..mysteries. My mom told me to stop buying, and told me to borrow them from the library. I personally feel that it's kinda troublesome to borrow them from the library and then return them on a certain date. Regretted for reading it within a day.

Had a good chat with my msn friend, I added some of my friends in msn from GBWC, well, I never regretted adding them, they are nice people. The particular friend whom I chatted with just now, said"hmm..getting lost", after I asked how he has been doing. I just said huh? and he said nah, just kidding. Okay, honestly, don't really understand what he was trying to get at.

Don't know if there will be new arrivals of Mr midnight books, will be waiting ..
I couldn't believe what I am doing now, instead of revising my work, I have been wasting time. There should be no time to revise 3/4 of the work. Time flies..

A din.

2006-12-01T22:09:00.000+08:00

My brothers quarrelled early this morning, just as I had expected, they quarrelled over the laptop when mom, dad and I were still sleeping. I heard them, but didn't bother, instead I continued sleeping.

I went out with my mom today. Hmm.. not bad actually. A young malay boy dropped a balloon so he asked the young chinese boy to help him pick it up. And do you know what happened? Just when the chinese boy picked it up, the balloon burst. So the malay boy went to pick up the balloon which had burst, and threw it onto the chinese boy's face. His grandpa saw what he did, and out of anger, he actually pushed and scolded the malay boy.

Thanks to Jillian for helping me to change the blogskin, I told her the information about the blogskin I want wrongly.So, of course she too changed wrongly. And she was kind enough to help me change again. Thanks! I can't download a blogskin, I think there is something wrong with my computer.

I chatted with my msn friend 'evil', he asked me how I am, so I just answered him"same." I asked about him , and he said"as what they say, a jobless loser." So, I asked him"who are the they?" He said" it's a saying or something." Lol, really getting more silly. I bet he must be laughing inside.

Even if I were to look for a job, most probably I won't be a cashier as I am not alert. Just a blur girl here.

A "ya" will do.

2006-11-29T20:46:00.000+08:00

In the morning, I realised that I had received a message yesterday night from one of my friends' father, he told me that he wants my friend to quit studying and asked me if I want to join her as his daughter wants to be a 'ahlian'. I thought I did something wrong, but I replied" I think your daughter wants to continue studying, I want too and so on. It's like he really scared me out of wits, I thought I did something and I told my mom. She said that maybe my friend provoked him or something.

No matter what, I will persevere and do my best. I don't want to let others down.

Few days ago, when everyone was still sleeping in the morning, the phone rang so I thought that I should get up and answer it. My younger brother's friend called. I didn't know that she was my brother's friend, I thought she was my friend, so I just answered "ya" all the way. Then, she said"are you shane?" I said"HUH?" That sentence woke me up, so I said please hold on. I stopped myself and remembered that my brother was still sleeping. So, I counted 1 to 10 before I went back to the phone again.

Came true

2006-11-28T21:33:00.000+08:00

After coming back from all the walking, when I arrived at home, Great news awaited me, I felt so happy like I have never felt like that before. It's really so unbelievable, and I hope to have another chance again. I won't tell you what it is, and no matter how curious you are, please don't ask me. I went into my mom's room, and I started jumping because I was overjoyed and I said"yes!" several times. I was really overwhelmed with joy that I forgot my sadness.

I went to buy the books today, when I was in the car, heading to my school, my mom started crossing out the items which she doesn't want to purchase. She asked me"what is this and that." In fact, I don't even know some of the items. And then I said"do you think I am a genius?" Then, she said"why you don't know? Why she knows?" I was wondering who she was talking about, so I asked her.She said that I said Jillian knows.I paused for seconds before I understand her, she had mistaken me for saying that Jillian knows, when I said genius. She said"school socks are so expensive, one pair 10.80." I said"it's four pairs per pack." I was too angry till I laughed. I was quite happy today although there are some disagreements.

Not the way.

2006-11-27T22:04:00.000+08:00

I am still unable to complete revising my chinese. I am still revising on chinese 1A, I haven't even started on other subjects. I took so much time! Yeah, I have to admit that I didn't revise everyday. I just hope that my parents will scold me and tell me to revise, but they didn't. Maybe if they scold, I will be able to revise at a faster pace. Now? I am scolding myself. I told them that I want tuition, my mom said"you study at home, don't waste my money!" In the past, they forced me to go for that, now I willingly volunteered to go, and they told me to revise by myself. Although I might be going too slow now, and there might not be much time for me to revise everything. But I still hope that I could cover at least 3/4 of the work.

I should be going to buy the books tomorrow. Quite happy. I can't give up on my revision! No..! Need some music and perhaps sweets? Realised that my mom actually cares for me, the more I shouldn't make her upset. I must do my best.

Promise made

2006-11-26T21:10:00.000+08:00

I was feeling bored, so I went into friendster to pass my time. I recalled the promise I made to Jacie long time ago, which is to look at her friendster profile's photos. I can't believe that I am a person who breaks my promise, I took such a long time before I went to view her profile, a mistake again. The photo which I took with her is still there, that shows that she doesn't hate me. To think that I had actually left her out, didn't talk to her at the school party. I was so damn heartless, and so mean. The last time she called me was about weeks ago, and I ended the call after five minutes. I didn't deliberately did that, I wanted to watch televeision. I looked at her individual photo for seconds, and I felt so guilty. I was so wrong to only remember her weaknesses but not her good points, I forgot her feelings! She treated me to her sweets, accompany me after school yet I was so cold towards her. She asked me why I didn't talk to her at the party, I said"really? I did talk to you." What a stupid excuse I gave her! And I was so mean. Everyone kind of shunned her, I used past tense as I do not know if they still feel that way. But I didn't, although I was mean to her. They kind of talked behind her back, criticised her saying that she looks like.. And I totally disagree, sorry if this is offensive or something. If you were the one who is being criticised, how would you feel? If I were the one, I would just cry, and then maybe bang my head. And I always lost my temper, because it's either she didn't understand me or I didn't. The thing about switching best friends, and the school party were the most cruel ones. I thought that she would be the one with me for this year at the beginning of the year, but I was wrong.You didn't know how many things took place, and eventually landed us in this state with different partners, and unexpected changes with more problems ahead everyday. Tired of that, been struggling for the past months, so I am quite relieved that it's holidays now.

An awkward feeling.

2006-11-24T21:46:00.000+08:00

I did too much thinking, and the fact is that it's not my fault. I feel so relieved now, and happy of course. Jasmine, I really thought that it was me, feeling quite awkward now. And you are right, I shouldn't use vulgarities, it's time I make a change, it's really inappropriate for me to do that again.

In her post, she mentioned that she won't add on to my misery, since I am already frustrated. Actually she wasn't wrong in any way, problems are inevitable, they just come unexpectedly. No matter how hard you try to comfort yourself, the sadness and hurt are still there. I can understand that, so this is the point of time you need friends.But when friends are not there, the only thing you could do is to post it into your blog to relieve yourself. She isn't an obstruction. So, I shouldn't blame her if she comes to me to tell her problems, as that isn't her fault.Who wants problems anyway? I don't want it either.

I can't be ro rude and ignorant anymore. Maybe whenever I talk back with my mom, her heart is shattering inside. I should reflect on my own laziness and rudeness which cause the criticism from her.

My younger brother loves punching me, especially my arm. Today, he punched my upper arm and I felt this pain and then followed by the numb semsation. It sure hurts, not emotionally. I thought my arm was breaking, I tried giving him a punch in return but I missed.

Did I make mistakes again?

2006-11-23T21:03:00.000+08:00

I read her latest post today. Did I make mistakes again? She wrote that she cried after using the computer yesterday. Before she logout, I was the one who chatted with her in msn. I am the culprit! The person who made her cry..I think. Sigh.. If that's the case, I have to thank myself for worsening everything. I seem to be always so stupid. It's all my fault, maybe I let her feel that I was irritated by her. It's not like that..it's really not. She mentioned that it's like 360 degrees change. The problem is that I don't even know what to say to her on the phone. I shouldn't have chatted with her yesterday in msn, I should have known better. What should I do now? I thought holidays might be better for me since I was stressed up during school days.But it doesn't seem to be better. I didn't know that things could happen during holidays too. Sorry.. I didn't mean it. Guilty of everything now, if I were the one who made her cry.. what should I do? I think it's because whenever she calls me, I will have something on and ends the calls, maybe when I was speaking to her, my tone was different from the one on school days. How could I?! I am really insensitive to my friend's feelings.

Today, my mom scolded me for being lazy, for not folding the clothes on the bed. She was in the room with my younger brother and me. And my younger brother and me started quarrelling again, she said"stop it!" But my brother turned a deaf ear to what she said, and he continued quarrelling with me. I said" lalala, keep quiet!" Then my mom shouted at me"GET OUT OF THE ROOM, GET OUT NOW!" I was really upset, because I wasn't the one who wanted to continue with the quarrelling. But I just said"okay, bye bye." Then I went into another room, and I heard her complaining about me to my brother, she deliberately said" THAT LAZY GIRL, SHE IS A GIRL AND YET SHE IS SO LAZY!" I told her to stop talking about me and told her that if she still wants to talk about me, she should not speak so loudly. And she still did that to me. It doesn't occur to her how much that hurts me, she is always like that, criticising me. But she has no idea how much tears I have been swallowing. She criticised me using hurtful words, and I can remember all of them till now although it has already been one to two years.

One of them included singing. So, whenever I want to sing, I will wait till all of them are not at home or when they are in another room, before I start on my singing. I am really hurt by this, she said that my singing is bad. So, I just cry to myself in a room, I fear to receive another criticism from her again as it hurts me badly. I am emotionally hurt, as she is my mom yet instead of encouraging me, she criticised me. She always talks about my bad points, not my good points. I tried my best in my studies to get her praises, to make her happy.But she told me not to be too proud, otherwise I won't do well. The encouragement which she gave me was" study harder, maintain the results, don't be proud." I just want to get her praises, the results are not to show off to others. She forgets it the next day , almost totally.

Gaps

2006-11-22T11:13:00.000+08:00

This holiday is bringing me both happiness and unhappiness. I don't know why, there seems to be a gap between my friend and me now. I don't understand her, her post talks about sadness, friends seem to be avoiding her, no one wants to go out with her, they will just make excuses to end the call with her and so on. I am not offended by what she posted. But I thought that I should maybe ask her what happened. I asked her in msn if I did avoid her, she said no. She asked me what I am always busy about at home and that I am always busy. I asked her" no one wants to go out with you?" She said ya. So, I asked her why but she said nothing. I asked her if she was referring to me in her post, she said no. I said"what is wrong?I want to know, tell me."She still replied nothing, I told her that it's okay.But she said it's really nothing. Maybe she really wasn't referring to me, but I want her to understand that it's okay to voice out her unhappiness about me to me. Maybe she will say that there is no chance for her to tell me since I am always busy, she can tell me via sms or msn. When she calls me, it so happened that I have a programme to watch, so I have to end the call. And frankly speaking, I don't know what to say either. If she is indeed mad at me about something, she should tell me and not hide it. I am not one who can read someone's mind.

And yeah, about the library book thingy, that day when I went out with Ally and Jillian, I met up with Ally at Queenstown library, of course the first thought which would came to mind would be"bring the book along so that you could return it." It was due to convenience, maybe I was abit inconsiderate on that area, for not telling you that I would be going to the libarary to return the book, but it's at queenstown and it's only for a short while as we had to move on to tiong bahru. It wasn't intentional. I don't know, I am just listing the possibilities and explaining it now.

Realised that in life, problems are challenges and fears which we should overcome. The thing about red packets, finally, I understand a point, since I am not close to my relatives, of course I won't have anything from them. Each year, my brothers and I receive $20 each, for others, each year, they will receive about $100, after five years, I will have about $100 but others will have $500. It's better to depend on myself, I thought. Since, it's the same every year, I have to overcome the sadness, disappointment.Yeah, so that's it.

Wonderful yesterday

2006-11-21T20:21:00.000+08:00

I had a wonderful day yesterday. Met up with Jillian and Ally, haha, I felt as though we were back to the past. We were finally so close again, we went to catch a movie, casino royale. We wanted to watch Final call, but it is NC 16, so we ended up watching this. Jillian and Ally were so funny, like they were at loggerheads, bickering and bickering. I find that really enjoyable? It made me laughed alot, and brightened up my day. We were back so close, so happy, just that we have grown taller a bit. Really BFF! (:

Haha, no mood to revise anymore. I am getting lazier.Hmm.. I guess that's okay. Ally sprinkled some holy water on me, telling me to wake up after I told Jillian and her something. They kinda gave me advices and persuaded me to wake up. Yeah, they're right, I should wake up. Thanks to them, really. The night before yesterday, I quarrelled with my mom, and she shouted at me, I too did that. I said"chicken backside asshole." Sigh, regretted that now. I admit that I was rude, after I said that, she hit me, and then I said" good, continue lar!" She used a pillow to hit me several times, sigh. She was right to hit me, I was wrong to scold her, I really understand. Really sorry. I found out something, my friend said the chinese version. XD Planning to earn my money and I will give some of it to my mom and dad. For my mom, perhaps I will write a note in addition, maybe I would write" sorry for making you angry at times." I don't know how to apologise to her face to face, I have so much to tell her but I don't know how I should say them, I want to tell her badly how great she is, how fortunate I feel, how much I love her. Sigh.. Better don't say anything.

Gee whiz.

2006-11-15T21:46:00.000+08:00

I read my horoscope, virgo. I just want to know if things written about myself are right. I know that it is quite silly to read horoscopes. Hey, it's quite true when it comes to the paragraph which mentioned about character. I am fussy and all that, good points and bad points inside. Lol, felt pretty sad when I read about my own weaknesses. I must change! Firstly, when I am angry, I can't say something nasty. Secondly, I can't be too fussy. Thirdly, I must learn how to somehow communicate with one. Fourth, I must know when to spend money and when not to. Fifth, I have to learn how to stop daydreaming about things which are unreal. And alot more. I can't stand myself at times too. I have stopped being irritating towards my friends, in the past, I was really irritating, now chatting with them only when necessary. I just hope they will have a better impression of me, haha. And help them whenever possible. Since I have changed my irritating behaviour, or at least a little bit, now it's time to look at other areas.

I still can't sit down and study! Really upset with myself. I forgot everything about studies. If I still don't study, I think I have to bear the consequences of being a blur queen in sec one work. I really want to get better concepts and better understanding. But, this brain of mine isn't really listening to me. Maybe it needs more motivation by myself.

Fun, fun!

2006-11-15T09:55:00.000+08:00

I am back from the chalet. On the first night, we had barbeque, Jasmine was a great host. She helped me with the food, and I ate quite alot, I guess. Jasmine kept adding food onto my plastic plate, and I had to struggle to finish up everything. After that, we returned to our chalet, and we started talking nonsense. She had a soft toy-Lu, and then she said"let's unbotton his shirt." We started laughing like mad girls. She really tried to unbotton it, but realised that it was impossible. That was when we had some dirty thoughts, not really dirty. We chatted and laughed for almost one hour plus. And then when it was time to sleep, we shared a bed, we just kept laughing non-stop on the bed. And the bed shook, making the noises. Her Uncle slept on another bed beside me, and her mom slept on a bed beside her. Not long after, they fell asleep except Jasmine and me. We were still laughing, and then we heard snorings from both sides. Not just that, we were freezing because the air-conditioner was too cold. Although we did have blankets, but it was of no use. The blankets have holes, I mean that was their design.

The next day, her uncle brought us to the swimming pool for a swim, actually, I didn't really swam, I was playing in the water since my swimming skills are lousy. After that, we returned to the chalet to have a bath, we had a light lunch and rested for a while before we went to wild wild wet. We tried everything there, I had the scariest experience while playing the U-shaped thingy.At first, I didn't feel anything, but when the thing which her uncle and me were sitting on started to move down, I started screaming. And yeah, we tried others too. We were there for quite sometime, before we returned to the chalet to have another bath. And then we went out for dinner, no appetite as I was too tired.But, I managed to force myself to swallow the food. On that night, we had an early night.

The next day, her mom told me that she was so scared when she saw me sleeping. Do you know why? I slept with my face facing the ceiling, and my arms by my side.It was like I slept pretty straight, and not all people can do that. Actually, I was supposed to hug my bolster and two small pillows but I didn't have the pillows on that night. Only one to rest my head on. Then, we went to mcdonald's to have our breakfast, I was so full on that morning. When it was twelve pm, we checked out. I enjoyed myself during the chalet, quite sad when we had to go home.

Greed.

2006-11-10T22:19:00.000+08:00

Well, went out today with Jasmine to Tiong Bahru. We went to watch a movie, the lady selling those popcorns and drinks told us tt we should buy combo which consists of popcorn and a cup of drink. And she said that it is more worth it than buying separately, it's still seven dollars.So, we decided to buy the combo since it has more popcorns. After that, we have to enter theatre four, Jasmine said" where is it?" And I am also another blur one. She forgot the way as she had not been there for sometime. And I almost entered the cinema without giving the tickets when Jasmine reminded me. When we entered, the movie had already started, we went searching for our seats in the dark. And when we settled down, I looked around me, and found out that there were only a few people, they were sitting behind us. We munched on our popcorns, and then we realised that it was too much. we struggled to finish it, and then I gave up halfway but Jasmine said" eat, eat,eat! come on!" I passed it to her and she passed it back to me.We kept laughing, but not very loud. She dropped lots of popcorns on the floor too, I couldn't imagine that. She said everytime she visits the cinema, she will leave some popcorns behind. After a while, I signaled for her to stop munching on her popcorns as I realised that we were the only ones munching on them.Then I told her, she too listened, and laughed.

I read one of my friends' blog today, there were motivating words in it, he said that he would be striving hard to achieve a award, I think. That is really possible, he said that it matters how much hard work is put in. Yeah, that is right. After reading it, I felt motivated too.And decided that I really have to sit down and study. It was a very motivating post, I mean he himself is motivated.But his post motivated me indirectly. I love reading my friends' blogs, so that I could understand them better.

Break it.=)

2006-11-08T10:21:00.000+08:00

I miss all my schoolmates. Wonder how they all are now? If sec ones can continue attending lessons till 17 November, I wouldn't be so bored now. How I wish..

On the day of the exhibition, I was on the bus, ready to head to suntec city, when I saw his friends and him walking towards the canteen, okay..and I shouted" I saw him! I saw him!" I admit tt I was too excited, and everyone on the bus turned to look at me.So embarrassing. He was wearing his PE shirt, talking to his friends. That was the last time I had a glance of him. Well..

My brothers don't have school tomorrow, so I guess I wouldn't be able to use the computer during tomorrow morning, afternoon and evening. Well, it's quite sad. Hopefully, I could use it at night. And I don't like it when they don't have school as I would have to clean the dog's poop since no one wakes up at 5.30am to feed the dog and clean it.So, if I'm the first to step into the dining room, then I would be the first to do everything. And I realise that they have great patience, they could sit in this room, with one using the computer, another one sitting behind. Once, I had woken up, and I decided to wait in my bedroom to see who will be the first to do everything, I waited and waited, till I couldn't stand it.

Wants..

2006-11-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I was kind of touched by what my younger brother did. He helped me played GBWC and won in lots of matches, I was not at all surprised when he won, as he is very good in games since he plays games everyday. Well for me, not good at all. And he cooked noodles, so I asked him to give me some, and he did, he even gave me some of his soup. Yeah, grateful and touched. Lol, for me, it's good enough as we don't really get along well, we go through quarrels everyday. So yup, happy.

I have decided to revise as soon as possible, maybe I would start revising from my secondary one work to two so that I could get better concepts and perhaps improve on some disappointing grades. From the last day of school, I had planned to revise, but I didn't touch on anything yet, no movements at all. I can't be playing all day long right? Anyway, nothing to play. I just want to do my best for everything, definitely not for any postition or anything! Yeah, didn't want to disappoint anyone, and wants to work hard to achieve better results in the end so that I could share my happiness with my friends, and not sadness with them. But I am not able to sit down and study now. I guess I need to force myself to get use to it again.

Should have..

2006-11-06T09:26:00.000+08:00

Hoping tt I would have lots of books to read during this holiday, I simply love it!

This holiday is real bored. I have no friends living near me, and I don't know my neighbours, not even one of them. Their kids didn't befriend us, and my brothers and I didn't even bother to befriend them. I have no one to play with, even if I go to the nearby park, who can I play with except my brothers? Hope that I can move soon, nearer to my friends. Having relatives are like not having relatives, I don't feel anything about them.

My mum's birthday is arriving soon, I asked her what she wants, but she shook her head and told me to just make her a card. I always make her a card every year. Hope that I would be able to give her something better in future, haha. She didn't nag or scold me for my results, maybe she is satisfied? But I know she wants better results. Lucky for me, this year no nagging for my examinations, but not for my brothers, lol. Hope that I could give her something every year using my efforts and not money. I guess she wants that too.

Really weird..

2006-10-29T14:36:00.000+08:00

Chatting with Jasmine now, from the time I started chatting with her till now, it has been one hour twenty-eight minutes. She told me smething that she has been doing, and I find everything weird but funny. Do you know how I have been spending my time? It's either watching television, playing computer games, chatting with friends, or walking around imagining things. I walked from one spot to another repeatedly for one hour or more.

I feel that I am weird, I don't have any idols, I only listen to the songs, whenever my friends talk about the singers, I don't know what to say.I don't have much interest in them, and I don't think I would bother to buy any cds. What a dull girl I am?

Alert

2006-10-26T18:34:00.000+08:00

It is indeed a nice feeling to be promoted to secondary two.Like I had just completed a part of the journey, and moving on to a higher difficulty level. I guess I would have to plan my time wisely during the holidays and think about why some subjects are lower than before.

Today, after the dismissal, Jasmine, Xinyi and I went to Bukit Merah Central for early lunch. We were at the hawker centre, waiting for the food to be serve when an uncle sitting at the next table dropped a ten cent coin, it rolled and stopped just beside my shoe. I was going to bend down to pick up the coin, but the uncle had already bent down before I did.So, I felt kind of guilty? And after the lunch, I realised that I forgot to button the second button.I felt really shocked, and at the same time, laughed at my carelessness.I recalled about what the uncle did, and I remembered how much I bent to almost picked up the coin.I thought to myself" no wonder some people were looking at me." It was true, some of them were looking at me as though I did something wrong.But I didn't pay much attention to them as I thought that there was nothing wrong with me.Maybe it was just a coincidence.

I really have no idea how I would be going to spend my holidays, I guess this would be a real bored one.Fortunately, my parents did have some reactions upon hearing my results, otherwise I might be crying tonight. And not really allowed to go out, unless the time allows.Well, I guess it's partially because my parents are pretty worried for my safety, I cross the roads without watching out for cars, I am just not independent enough, sad to say that. I asked my parents for a reward, and my Mum said that I am allowed to buy storybooks, I was like..the heart sank immediately. I don't ask for much actually. You know? If I am really only allowed to buy storybooks, I would buy alot, then it would be too late for them to say anything. I am very upset with my savings, I actually tried all means to save, but it doesn't seem to be enough. But I am lucky enough, everytime I go out with my friends, the money doesn't comes from my savings, it's from my Mum, I would bugged her for a long time. Isn't tt bad of me? I know. How I wish..
Well, I really didn't have a chance to see him, but it's okay right? At least maybe it's better if he leaves, it would be easier for me to forget.

Might be or not be too late

2006-10-23T20:27:00.000+08:00

The last day of school will be on this thursday, and the dismissal time will be at ten am. I find this starting of holidays too early and the dismissal time too. I went to the canteen after the excursion back from the discovery centre to school, and find no one except his friends. Anyway, I don't think he came to school today, but I just wanted to try out my luck, I thought maybe he had to come back because of some urgent matters. I was so sad after that, as there is only one last chance of taking a glance of him, which is on Thursday.And I don't think I will be able to. I went silent after walking out from the school to Bukit Merah central with Jasmine, Xinyi and Jacie. I was so silent that they thought that there was something wrong with me.Actually, there is. It was like I was so sad that I went so deep in thought and was distracted, well, I ignored what was happening surrounding me. And because I have not seen him for days, I tried to imagine his looks. If I want him well, I should be happy for him that he is sitting for his o' level? Well, I should. On the other hand, I am really sad and down. Hope that he is not reading this post, otherwise I would not know how to face him. And the timing went wrong that it did not even allowed me to see him for one glance, not even one for days. I guess he must be very happy now, as he is going to complete his secondary education. There are things he left for me which are meaningful, he is not de.. they are the school magazine, his smiles, rumours, the way when he is a pai kia, the way he looked at me..if I am not mistaken. Even if I am, look at the state I am in now. I could easily find his face in the school magazine by flipping the pages to his class photo.I am not a pervert, but this is the only photo I have of him, lol.I must be mad.

Reality

2006-10-20T11:25:00.000+08:00

Holidays are coming soon, and that is not what I am hoping for.I am hoping that holidays wouldn't come so soon, as once holiday starts, it's the beginning to forget. It's real sad, actually. No chance to see him again, even if it's possible, there are only slim chances. No matter what, he wouldn't be in the school next year, I guess the best way is to settle everything during the holidays. Put him aside, and begin with a fresh mind. How could he be in secondary 4? Can't he be in secondary 3? It's like a dream.

I dreamt that the teacher gave me my seven marks for my English. I was so happy that I even woke up.That was when I realised that it was just a dream, I slept again.And again, I dreamt about that.

Spare time

2006-10-13T11:57:00.000+08:00

Jasmine, I had not the slightest intention of making you feel angry.I couldn't help but to create another post, I am too free, and there is nothing I can do except wasting time.

No school today, and he still need to go to school.Sigh.. I hope tt he would sms me, I know tt I am very thick skinned but no choice, I know nothing about him.

The day before yesterday, my friend asked me if I did fold my skirt, actually I didn't.I really didn't. She said tt my skirt looked as though it has been folded.So, I decided to iron my skirt by myself on tt day.When I went home, I started on ironing.Then my mom told me to turn it to the third one, I was wondering"what is that?hmm..let me try."I turned and turned and turned.I thought tt I did the right thing, then after a while, when I was ironing my skirt, I smelled something burning.but actually it's just the smell.Then, I said"ehhh, what is that smell?Like something is going to burn, did I turn wrongly?"And my mom hurried towards me.She said"WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING?DO YOU WANT IT TO EXPLODE?"I said"you said turn to the third one what, then how come I turned already, still like this?"She said"blame on yourself for not doing these things by yourself in the past, see? you don't even know how to turn!"I find her rather weird.Nevermind, I can learn in future.Why must she kick up such a big fuss?

It's really boring, I hope tt tuesday would arrive soon.Then, I can go to school. Actually, I wanted to achieve at least 5A1s, you all might be shock.Don't worry, that is only what I dream of achieving.Now, after recalling how much time I spent on revising, how I did the papers.I decided that if it is so easy to score, everyone else would have done tt.So, my target is only 2A1s.I don't want to have another great disappointment and in the end, whining all day long, blaming myself.Maybe not having better expectations might be better, lower ones will do.

Continue or not?

2006-10-12T13:34:00.000+08:00

The exams were over, finally.. this is the day.The night before the science paper, I was studying like mad, I did last minute work, and I only managed to read the whole textbook.I studied tt for about six hours.But I don't think it was of any use anyway.And had a headache after tt, I slapped myself so tt I would not fall asleep.My biggest worry is Maths, the paper two was tough.If I am lucky enough, I might be able to get at least a pass.I would be happy enough.

Yesterday, after Maths and Science papers.My friends and I had lunch in school.I was talking to my friends while looking somewhere.And I saw him..he saw me too, so I lowered my head and started on my lunch.It was pretty obvious, after the lunch, my friends and I were still chatting.His friends and him talked so loudly like he did tt purposely to let me know tt he was still there, like he wanted my attention.I didn't give him much of it, then he was bold, they came to the table next to us and talked loudly again, I turned to look at them for a few seconds, but they didn't noticed me, I think.And he somehow know tt what he did was useless, so he suddenly jumped to sit on the table, a loud "bang" was heard, it was a little bit exaggerated, but.. hehehe.He finally managed to get my attention, but I carried my bag and walked away slowly.I think this is the first time he is trying so hard to make a person become his friend, it's about four months already.Why didn't he come forward to say hi? It was quite obvious as at tt time, the canteen was almost empty, and he could just go to any table.

Such thought no more?

2006-10-09T20:23:00.000+08:00

Today, Jasmine and I were walking down the stairs when we froze. His friends were standing in front at us looking at us. I nearly fell, I thought tt I could still walk with my eyes on them while walking, when I stepped on Jasmine's shoes and shouted "ahhhhhhhh!!" Jasmine shouted too, as we nearly lost our balance. We balanced ourselves and I turned right towards the canteen, laughing in embarrassment.I heard them laughing too.

Jasmine told me something about him. I really feel like kicking him to another country now, and hope tt he never returns. But tt won't affect me, I am going to concentrate on my exams and him? nah..just an infatuation right? yeah, I agree. He is not going to be part of my motivation, that's silly. How could he be when he is such person? I am not going to curse him or whatsoever, I just want him to do well and that's it. Luckily, I managed to breathe this time, I guess my mind is okay now, free of him, at least better now. Just want to wish all of you good luck for your exams, sincerely.

Really could not..

2006-10-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

The Graduation ceremony of secondary four and five students was held in the school hall on Monday.I was so sad.When I saw him getting on stage, receiving the certificate.Like a sudden sadness.

Today, I saw him with a girl looking at the notice board, seems very close to each other.Might be his gf or a friend. I felt so angry, probably jealous? You know? I felt like punching him and kick him to another place, scolding him and slapping him. I hope tt he would turn better, enter a good school and have a good life and never ever try to flirt. Although I am angry with him, but I still hope tt he would do well.I can't be so selfish and cling onto somebody whom I don't know.Talking about sadness, there is too much to say.Sadness everywhere, deep in my heart.Yesterday, I listened to a song 'Desperado' by Eagles.It seems to be able to bring out my emotions.And I heard it for over fifty plus times yesterday. Maybe it's really time to forget, but I just could not. He is not a good guy, why am I still thinking about him?

Friendship problem is back. Zilin gave me a letter.Talking about her feelings, she hope tt we would be like before. Jasmine thinks tt she cried because she wants people to pity her, and to make us look like people who abandoned her and made her cry. Zilin made up stories which made the friendships among our classmates and us to be fragile.Jasmine thinks tt way as evidences are against her. I think tt Zilin might have misunderstood what others told her and told us and created these misunderstandings.And Jasmine thought tt I was mad, she meant tt I shouldn't be deceiving myself.

Can really be..

2006-10-01T14:16:00.000+08:00

Few days ago, Jasmine sent me messages to comfort me, like"we are best friends." I felt really happy.And at the same time, I appreciate what she did.I really feel tt she can become my best friend, even one of them for forever. Hope tt we can be in the same classes for every year. You know? Like never separated.

Zilin told me a few times tt M once told her tt she dislikes me. I felt kind of sad, and wondered why. Then one day, M cried.And Zilin said tt I rather trust another person than trusting her.I was shocked.When did I do tt? Jasmine can be the witness. Then, after weeks, I told M tt Zilin told me tt she dislikes me, and she said tt she didn't say tt. Instead, she told me tt Zilin told her tt she dislikes me as I snatched her friend, Jasmine, when I was supposed to be with Jacie. You know? M might be saying the truth. Maybe Zilin really hate me, but I don't think tt I had ever snatched Jasmine. And the interesting part was tt Zilin told me a few times tt she dislikes Jasmine, she even said tt without her, life is better. Maybe she had changed her mind, now, her target of dislike is me. Fancy creating stories behind my back? sigh.. wth is tt? But I am the least angry with her, I don't know why. M told me tt Zilin is a nice girl, I agree.And she said tt she changed after she quarrelled with me.If that is the case, should I apologise for the hatred and hurt she is trying to overcome?Or maybe should I say the hatred and hurt she is trying to use the same medicine on us? That is the worst thing, revenging on us.She gave me poems on friendship.The contents are about the hurt she possess, and something like she told me to hold her hand as a friend, even if the distance between her and me are drifting apart, I should remember her and not forget her. And I could feel the hatred she has stored for me.But she appeared so friendly to me.

Back..

2006-09-29T21:52:00.000+08:00

I don't know if I should hate or what? If he really did tt thing, even if I hate him, this doesn't change the fact. So, maybe I should forget.Jasmine, you might think tt I am mad.But, it's true tt even if I hate him, the fact is still there. As wad you said, like fate decides.Okay, let the fate decides.

He smiled at me yesterday I guess.When I walked out of the hall, his friend was standing on the left hand side and he was standing on the right hand side.I saw him but continued walking.He lowered his head a little and somehow smiled I guess.I just looked at him blankly, and I didn't know tt I had quicken my pace till my friend asked me why I walk so quickly. I looked into his eyes, seriously.If I am not wrong, he should be looking at me. Now, focus on exam.

Not anymore..

2006-09-27T22:23:00.000+08:00

I had seen him during recess time.Today, Jasmine told me something about him which she had found out. It's disgusting.I couldn't believe it, I was climbing the stairs then she told me.My heart suddenly thumped very fast and I had difficulty breathing when I heard tt.I felt so disappointed, sad, and angry. I started hating him, and I don't wish to see him again. If he didn't do tt, we can be friends.But, if he really did tt, it's impossible. I would not want to be his friend again. I hate him. I couldn't believe it. After second thought, I decided to stop hating him so as to save my energy.He has his own freedom and he is not related to me, why should I care so much? I don't want to know the answers anymore, it's pointless. Pervert. This is the first time, I hate a guy.Just because I had fallen for him and then realised tt he is worse than I thought. He is a bad guy, who doesn't know the values in life. I don't know if what Jasmine told me is true. But I am really angry with him. Leave me alone please? If he really did tt, nothing he do will reverse the time. Why must he do tt? Isn't tt disgusting? Isn't tt breaking the..? Isn't tt wrong? What is really wrong with him? Wth. Anyway, I don't know him. He made me felt really down just now, when Jasmine told me wad she heard.Like everything just crashed down on me. Now, in the process of recovering and forgetting. Not worth my concern, time. If he really did tt, nothing he do will change the past, neither can he change anything.

If only..

2006-09-23T21:20:00.000+08:00

If only you hadn't made me notice you.

I chatted with Jasmine on the phone for 1 hour plus. Actually, I was feeling alright when she called me and talked about all those.But it's okay. She asked me questions, I feel tt she is weird, she asked me questions which I don't know. Haha, anyway, had a great time chatting with her. Deep in my heart, I know tt he is not a guy who is obedient, but I simply just deceive myself.When Jasmine persuaded me to give up, I answered her with ten sentences. If only I hadn't notice him, I would not be like this.If only he at least say something, I would feel shy but happy.

Tell me the answers which I want..

2006-09-22T22:18:00.000+08:00

I didn't see him today.I was told by Jasmine tt he is not a good guy.And I feel really sad, and I began wondering if he wants to be our friend, if he is sincere about it.Jasmine told me tt if he looked at me, if he has really fallen for.. if since the past months, he has been noticing me.He would most likely be sincere.Most likely, he would not joke around, as he seems to be trying to get my notice, several times. Then can't he come straight? Instead of dragging time? If I have misunderstood everything, then it's okay, I will take this as a lesson. I kept on looking at my phone.Hoping tt I would receive messages. So sad. He made me feel really.. I am at a loss of what to do. Although Jasmine kept on saying tt he is a bad guy, I seem to be shielding him. Jasmine told me to give up before I sink even deeper, and I was like..so sad. She said tt maybe he is sincere but maybe after I became his friend, he would then forget about everything, provided tt he wants to be our friend.Or maybe if I have misunderstood everything.

Timing..

2006-09-21T20:52:00.000+08:00

Today I never went for swimming, my lie was real.And wad I hoped for came true.He really came to the library! Jasmine and I went to the restroom and when we were back, walking towards the library, we saw one of his friends and him.He went into the library, and his friend was about to walk to the study corner, when he turned and saw us.We walked into the library and saw him.Then we pretended we didn't see anything.I walked past him, after a while, he sat on a chair reading something, then I said"hmm..good, read more, better." We walked past him again, and he finally turned and looked at us and then I think he saw Jasmine looking at him.He went back to his newspaper.After a second or so, he looked again, I was told by Jasmine, and he went back to his newspaper again.I didn't dare to look at him, I just walked straight, aimlessly.Actually, trying to bring out courage to at least say hi.He and his friend sat separately, maybe because they know the reason or something. At 1.30pm, we were dismissed, and Jasmine and I went to the canteen, I was hoping tt they would head to the canteen too.After I placed my bag on the bench, I took out my handphone and walked to somewhere else to call my Dad.I saw them walking to the canteen, I quickly walked to be hidden. After the call, I realised tt Jasmine was looking for me for her two chicken wings as I promised her tt I would give her a treat.We were walking to the stall when I saw him walking in front of us, walking from the left to the right, and then after I past him, he walked again from the right to the left. In the morning, I saw him eat a fruit, outside the hall.I didn't mean to look at everything he did.

Lost again..

2006-09-20T21:36:00.000+08:00

Finally saw him today. My PE teacher told us to take our heights and weights outside the hall which was somewhere near him. Of course we have to take out our shoes, after the height measurement, I wore the shoes again, and then off again, as I was told by my friends that we were supposed to take our weights too.But I looked at the clock, and then I wore again. Just as I was standing up, I looked around.I saw him, he was like looking at me too.I looked at him for a few seconds, and then looked for my friends. And during recess, Jasmine and I were in the canteen.We saw one of his friends washing his hands.And Jasmine said"why don't we go and say hi now?"I hesitated, shy.Then he washed his hands really long, I thought for quite a while, when I decided to, he walked away. And I saw him, walking on a bench. I had actually viewed his profile in friendster, I was hoping tt he would see the people who viewed him and then add me. Actually, I hope tt I will have more times being able to see him.And I want him to know tt I am looking at him. I have promised Jasmine tt I would not hesitate about saying hi to any of them.

Without..

2006-09-19T21:51:00.000+08:00

Yesterday and today, I didn't get to see him, so sad..And his O level examinations are around the corner.I thought I can see him during recess, but I didn't get to see him.In one of the posts, I said about his friend saying"hi", but I didn't reply. I am waiting for his friend to say another "hi", Jasmine said tt since they had said hi to me before, then I should be the next one taking initiative, I couldn't. What if he says"go away la!I don't want to be your friend." Then it's very sad. And if he says "okay, sure." I would be so happy.No chance.Everytime I go to the canteen, I would be hoping tt he would be there, but he is not there.Jasmine said maybe that time his friend said"hi" because he told him to, so tt we could become friends and then know each other better.But it couldn't be, nothing good about me. For everyones' sake, I would study hard, of course for his sake too. If he really...me, then I think he would be hoping tt I would study hard too.If he don't...me, then I think he would still hope tt I would study hard.Next year, I wouldn't be able to see him anymore, unless we become friends. I would be thinking aimlessly of him then, a dream which would never be true. Really hopes tt he..really...me. Talk to me, befriend me..please? I would pretend to look around when I am in the canteen, but actually I am searching for him, at least be friends, I would be happy.You are part of my motivation, who pushes me forward, the one who can determine a smile or a sad face.

Distractions..

2006-09-16T21:42:00.000+08:00

I went to the school party yesterday.It ended at around 9.30pm, and it was quite fun, haha. People were dressed smartly, and they were dancing.Only sec ones to sec threes were at the party whereas Sec four students were not allowed.

Am I missing him? It couldn't be! But at times.. I do. How could he distract me?! After a conversation with jasmine on the phone, I began telling myself"maybe he is not as good as wad I thought." Yup, even if he is like tt, I wouldn't be surprise. The happenings were on my mind everyday, I thought through and through although I don't want to. The most funniest one was the one which I mentioned in one of the posts, I told Jasmine"I don't feel like eating anymore, I don't have any appetite."They were looking at us, how could I eat like tt?But I still force myself. Another one was when Jasmine and I were walking up the stairs to the YEC room at the third storey, when I was walking, through the so called windows, I saw the three of them at the fourth floor, looking at the YEC room if I am not wrong.Another one was mass jog, at first, we ran past them, and then at last, they ran past us, the guy said"WOOT!"This happened during the weeks of mass jog.Can he get out of my mind right now? I don't care about him or any of his friends anymore!! Anyway, I don't even know them.I don't know much about him, but see him everyday.I didn't dare to look at any of them, so scary..and it's like I think he has alot of friends.That time the one which happened in the canteen, his friends, malays, indians and chinese were looking.Alot..they were sitting on the bench and some on the table.I hope I didn't offend them..haha.Oh, another one was the one which happened during one of the drama lessons, it was held in the hall and I saw his friend and him walking into the hall, he looked rather weak, I mean he doesn't look well, and the next thing I saw was tt he was lying on the ground in pain, his friend helped him up.I was thinking"is he alright? why is he like tt?" I seem to see him almost everywhere, and when I couldn't for once or so, I would feel uneasy.How stupid I am?Fancy concerning about someone I don't know.

Guilt..

2006-09-14T21:20:00.000+08:00

She gave me a card today, cool, I love the long passage which really ryhmes.But she wrote on friendship. She wrote about me and her, at first we promised to be friends forever, together forever.But now, it seems to be changing. And she cried today, I heard from other friends tt she said"I had enough!" Day by day, I realised tt the distance between me and her is drifting apart, and I don't really know her now as I don't know what she is thinking. Yesterday, she said Jacie regards me as her best friend, she regards me as her best friend, and Jasmine too.But I only regard Jasmine as my best friend. At first, it was merely a small problem.And we started not giving in to each other. We became criminals, who made her cry. She won.She must have really regard me as her best friend..otherwise she wouldn't feel so sad when she sees Jasmine and me together.I seem to have forgotten her, how cruel I am? She gave me a late birthday present, she drew winnie the pooh and folded hearts, I feel the efforts she put in.

We were all best friends You cried to sleep
but ended up being strangers I hate it
I don't know why I know how it feels
Of a small conflict You made used of me
I used to support you till the end I am not your slave
Used to give you advises I had enough
Cheered you up Chances were given
Always with you You simply didn't realise tt
Now things have changed What could I say?
as days pass by I am made a criminal
We all change A girl who makes you cry
You will never know My tears for myself seemed to have dried